~ ” Rest Your Head Close To My Heart,
Never To Part …. Baby of Mine ….”
~ Bette Midler
~ ” Rest Your Head Close To My Heart,
Never To Part …. Baby of Mine ….”
~ Bette Midler
I know you hurt and feel a pain that no one could ever fully understand, not even your family that has gone through it with you.
I can’t imagine what sadness and emptiness you feel. I think about how scared you were, how alone you were. I know how badly you wanted to tell us but couldn’t and I hate that someone we all trusted did such an incredibly awful thing. How can you profit from someone else’s pain and sleep at night?
You were taken advantage of at the most vulnerable time of your life by so many “grown ups” and at least one of them should have recognized the magnitude of what was happening. A desperate couple with a bag of money and jewelry, a court clerk setting up this rush job in a mere 28 days, the most important person, being you ( and your baby as you were still one ), left with no lawyer or advocate, no one from your family by your side to take care of you and help you.
You were told your voice would be heard, and it never was, so I am making sure it is and will be. As your big sister, I told you many years ago that I would take this on my shoulders, because you did not need to carry it on yours.
What happened to you was not your fault, but the fault of those that had everything to gain from YOUR child. No one cared about the girl with the pretty brown eyes that would be left behind. Well, I do.
I care about what this has done to you, and us. I write out our story one word at a time in hopes that someday, your daughter, my niece, will know the truth. She was literally taken from your arms, and what was taken from you as mother and daughter at that moment, was an incomprehensible injustice, and crime of the heart. A crime against a mother and child, who never had a fighting chance because of the vultures surrounding them.
It should have been our family in that delivery room, welcoming one more of our own. Had we known, that couple and their cohorts wouldn’t have been allowed within a hundred miles you or our baby.
Your daughter was, and will remain YOUR daughter, paperwork isn’t going to matter for very much longer. Soon, we will have a reunion that will make the heavens sing. Don’t you ever hold your head down, you hold your head high and know that God will lead our baby home. No matter her age, she will always be our baby.
I understand that you are so incredibly damaged that you can’t even speak of how you feel because only a few words get out before tears of agony and gasps for air.
I write our story because it needs to be told, it needs to be heard.
I dedicate every moment I spend, writing, researching, seeking out answers; to you, my baby sister and your precious daughter, my niece.
We got blind-sided by the evildoers once, guarantee it won’t happen again.
I will continue to fight for the voice you and your baby, never had.
Love knows no time, space, or distance, and it can overcome all things, even something as messy and hurtful as this ….
Today I had a “me” day, and I chose to use it to work on our case. I spent the day going through a few thousand pages of paperwork, reading complaints, reading the deceptive lies of the adoptive couple. In a quick description, I hated looking at every single page. Hate is a strong word and entirely appropriate.
As my eyes go over each word of this monster that is not your ordinary adoption case, I am exhausted and running on pure passion for my niece. This adoption never should have happened and I wish this was not our reality.
All the work and writing I do takes hours, from the early morning until the early morning. The time just ticks on and by the time I look up, it’s 2 or 3 in the morning. I quickly wrap it up, pray, and hope not to have nightmares.
This afternoon, I got envelopes ready to be mailed to the Supreme Court Justices, I kept track of what I researched today, I spent my day amongst court documents I dread going through. I had to stay calm as this stirs up so many emotions. Candles lit around me, praying that one day we won’t have to go through this any more. I await the joy that will come after all this sorrow. A case is worked on little by little, it doesn’t happen over night, some cases take years and years. Whatever ours takes, we will go the distance.
I was also working on retyping and reformatting so I can add important letters and documents to the book for my niece.
I am tired, my glasses have hurt my fragile nose that is just a few months out of corrective surgery, but I had to push through it. Until we get some answers and our voice is heard, I will push through anything.
The need for justice knows no bounds. If my neck hurts, I put the heating pad around it, if my wrists start tingling from writing for hours on end, I put my sports wristbands on, if I start having anxiety, I pray.
I will continue to stand up for my sister, niece, and family; until it’s right, I won’t rest. I have found strength, faith, courage, most of all, I have found the true meaning of love, loyalty, and commitment. I have learned the pen is mightier than the sword. (Or the laptop keys, in this case.)
The more hopeless it seems, the more I refuse to give up. I have reached thousands of people all around the world, one by one. I have learned that I am not alone and that so many others feel my pain. I have been given so much love and support, and that support helps me sleep just a little better.
I am determined, I’m a survivor of many, many traumas, and I don’t give up on what I believe and know to be true.
The truth will lead my niece home, and love will make her stay ….
Writing about a topic such as unjust adoption brings out the most deepest of hurtful emotions. It’s hard to put anything beautiful into something that is so horribly painful.
For ten years straight, I have worked on our case, this book, personal letters, a scrapbook of hopeful memories to be made, a time capsule in a beautiful box with ribbon and charms, a family recipe book; anything and everything I can think of to keep my niece close to us and to document this all-consuming, life-altering event.
Journal entries, phone calls, research: I have tried to timestamp every detail.
I recently thought of another way to keep track of all pertinent information in the form of a monthly calendar so the constant efforts being made to bring my niece home will be easily readable at-a-glance.
I have searched the internet for calendars, cards, and graphics to occasionally insert into entries and have found the best designs at GraphicGarden.Com.
I am respectful of copyrights and wrote a personal email to the wonderfully talented Helena Normark, and kindly asked her if I may use her beautiful graphics as I continue to document this unbelievable, non-fiction, fight for justice.
Ms. Normark granted her permission and sent me a sweet response with well-wishes.
With love, I want to extend my deepest thanks to Helena Normark at GraphicGarden.Com for her compassion and support and for allowing me to use her lovely graphics in writing about a not-so-lovely story.
Thank you, Ms. Normark !
I have so much to say that I can’t even write because the thoughts are just coming too many, too fast.
New developments since my niece’s birthday; my sending balloons and flowers opened Pandora’s Box.
I have just been made aware that the people who have my niece have yet to her she’s adopted.
She is now ten years old and has not a clue that she has a whole family waiting for her, nor does she know the circumstances under which she was taken.
I have been absolutely beside myself since two days after her birthday when I found out this crucial detail. I have to sit down and slow down, breathe, and try to explain this madness in a rational way, and I’m going to need a little more time to do that.
I’m need to figure out how I’m going to write this part. Ever since I found that out, I have able to think of nothing else. This only proves what I have said all along; they are going to dress her up and shape her into what they want her to be, while trying to completely eliminate her God-given family.
Their own little doll, their own little lies.
Today I sort of took a day off from the world.
I sat on my comfortable, plush bed with my baby daughter next to me and was thankful for every moment. I believe God sent her to me to help heal and soften my heart. She brought magic back to my world. I couldn’t even lay eyes on a baby girl for ten years without wanting to cry. She came 13 years after I prayed for her, but she came, healthy and beautiful.
Her little presence made me not want to give up; looking at her I realized I had to live for her sake, to protect her, to love and care for her. She gave me the extra push I needed to make it through today.
But …. I allowed myself to grieve. I cried softly, then sobbed out loud because I couldn’t help it. The hurt had to get out somehow.
I tried to make a very painful day as manageable as possible. I wrote to my niece, made her a card, and sent flowers and balloons to her door. I couldn’t help it. Now that she can read and understand, now that she is growing up, slowly we can reunite.
The last years we haven’t seen her we have been waiting for her to get to this point. I explained thoroughly before why we had to cease visits, for the time being, and I think the entire family being near-death, losing our marriages, being shipped far away, family split apart, being restricted with every phone call, every visit being watched and treated like animals, we had no choice but to wait until she got bigger. We need her to be able to understand. Being ” strangers in the park ” , literally, it was unhealthy for everyone involved.
Freezing at the park, first thing in the morning, restricted to 3 hours with a monitor we were required to pay for because they didn’t ‘trust’ us. That is so ridiculous that it’s almost funny. We’re not the ones who ripped a baby away from an unknowing and loving family that wanted their baby. We could never do such a thing regardless of the paperwork we had. I would have said, ‘ void it all ‘, and would place that child in the arms of the mother myself, personally. Along with a big hug and wishing them the best of life together.
I would think that God had another baby in mind for me, and I would have waited for a child that literally had no one. I couldn’t take a child away from their blood family to make a pretend one of my own. All the piles of paperwork in the world will never make her ‘theirs.’
Ever so gently we will ease our way into her life and heart, and there will be no turning back. I have the utmost faith that my niece will one day look at me and say “auntie.” It will happen and when it does, I will thank God that He answered. I will feel free.
For the last two years I have left messages for attorneys that won’t call me back because they know where our family stands and what our family believes to be true; which is an adoption-for-profit set up by a third-party who had no right to do anything of the sort.
So we just wait until that light at the end of the tunnel, which is my niece’s eighteenth birthday. We’re more than halfway there, one day we’ll be done having to wait.
I’m glad I made it through today and I’m more glad that I will keep that same faith tomorrow. I will never give up hope, I will stand strong in waiting for my niece to come home.
One day closer ….
What I would have done today…. Because I still get to make a wish for my niece ….
I would have gotten up and scattered turquoise and pink balloons through the house. Flowers would be delivered to your school this afternoon. I would be there to meet you for lunch, with pizza, cupcakes, and balloons for your classmates.
After school would have been time spent together, your favorite dinner (hopefully one day I’ll know what that is), and maybe a movie since it’s a school night.
Of course a family celebration and barbecue would be happening on Sunday afternoon. Since this is a milestone birthday, I would have tastefully overdone the decorations. (smile)
The event planner in me would have made sure every detail was perfect; from appetizer trays to the goodie bags. The auntie in me would have pulled you aside and given you the biggest hug, and of course the best present. I’ve literally visualized this day for so long I can’t believe it’s finally here.
Here it is and all I want to do is sit still in the dark and not even speak. I feel tears welling up in my eyes and they just fall one after another. I swallow hard because it hurts.
One day it won’t be like this. We’ll be catching up, we’ll be falling in love moment by moment. We’ll have her to hold.
The most important thing I would’ve given you today was me. The love I have for you fills my heart and only gets deeper. If it takes a thousand years, we will find each other, be able to reach and feel the other reach back ….
Happy 10th Birthday, sweetheart….
I love you so much.