Babygirl, Meet Your Pappy ….


A couple of days ago, I was cleaning out some old boxes. I came across a CD case I used to have in the days before Rhapsody.

A lover of road trips and always the DJ, the music is my favorite part. I had already decided to dump all the CD’s because I didn’t want to go back to any of those places that those particular pieces of music led me to or through.  I just wanted to thumb through it once just to look for my friend’s album ( which, thankfully, I found. My dear friend is the lead singer/guitarist/drummer of 3D: Thrice Denied. The same friend literally sang me through the most horrible moments of this heartache. She has also seen firsthand what this has done to me in particular, and can definitely vouch for me that this dreadful situation changed / took me).

I got to the last page and gasped.

I found this picture.

It is one of only a few pictures of my dad and our Babygirl.

The same eyes and the same hair color …. two hearts with the same beat ….

We lovingly call him Pappy, Pap for short.

The love this man has for this child in his arms is immeasurable.

This is grandfather and granddaughter, and simply, it is beautiful ….

A Candle and a Prayer ….


Last night, right after midnight, I began to make a card for my niece. Something more I will add to her Hope Chest, heartfelt wishes on specialty stationery written in calligraphy style writing. I stayed in prayer all day, trying to get through another day, as if this one were any less painful than all the others.

I’m a candle collector, having gotten candles from around the world and close to home as well. I feel a great peace when I am surrounded by them, so nearly on a daily basis I have one or more burning.

Tonight, just before midnight, I said one more prayer to wrap up the day that brings us one day closer to having our baby back in our lives. This candle was the perfect added touch to my everlasting prayer of being reunited with the little girl who has all of our hearts.

A beautiful little cake with a raspberry on top, the flame so bright and meaningful, I felt the tears running down my face and the ache of her absence deep in my soul. I so anxiously await her return, and I’m thankful that we’re that one day closer. One day may not seem like much to some people, but one day for us is like a lifetime.

I miss her. I love her. I wish there were more words to convey the depth of the emotion behind those few simple words.

Happy Birthday to my sweet love …. your family is waiting in hope, and in love ….

A Love That Knows No Time or Distance ….

Happy Birthday, Babygirl ….

I wish I could give you a big hug and spend your special day with you.

My morning class was cancelled today, and I’m grateful for that. I just feel like spending the day with a pot of tea and a good book.

I miss you so much and barely a moment goes by that I’m not thinking of you.

Today, forever, and always …. I love you ….



Forever, We Love You ….

I love you, Babygirl.

Tonight my heart is heavy as I sit here quietly, tired from summer exams, and exhausted from missing you with every passing moment.

I wish you were here….


~ Auntie

My Niece, My Love …. Come Home, Your Family is Waiting ….

Dearest Babygirl….

I’m just about finished up with summer semester and had the time of my life … Can’t wait for fall !

I went to Santa Cruz and had an incredible 4th of July, the fireworks were going off for days leading up to the campout on the beach.

This weekend a concert, then driving right up to Reno for Hot August Nights ( something I went to for fifteen years in a row until I last saw the love of my life alive there, I haven’t been back since.) I’m finally going again and I’m anxious for the car show, the food and music, and running into friends I haven’t seen in way too long.

I’ve been slowly beginning to live again. I am finding a way to balance waiting in joy, limiting the grief-stricken state I’ve been trapped in for so long. I’m feeling free, my spirit is full of love and it feels like I’m floating. I’m being appreciated, I’m being loved, I’m being understood, I’ve taken time to ‘be still.’

I feel blessed, excited for the future. I’m embracing every opportunity of love and laughter. I started writing poetry again. I’ve escaped in my photography, I’m writing all sorts of non-fiction again… I’m finding myself … The best ‘me’ I’ve ever been. You can see it all over me, you can feel it when I’m in the room… People drawn to me are finally being allowed a quarter-of-an-inch passed my electrified fence.

My love, I want you to know… I love you more with each passing day. I can’t get you off my mind. I wish and dream for us, I pray, I wait in love for you. I become more calm the more I trust in the Lord. I put this all in God’s hands many, many years ago, and I believe in Him to fix all this mess. I’m living for you Babygirl, being everything I can be, helping anyone I can, being my best… Everything I do, is for you or because of you, and it’s all worth it. If you only knew how much you continue to captivate our hearts …. Come home, sweet love….

Catching My Baby Up At 2:11 AM ….

Since the week before my birthday on the first day of Spring in March, I have done all sorts of fun and fabulous things. With my niece always on my mind,  I have these amazing experiences. I’ve squeezed in every fun thing I can think of because I am finally understanding the magnitude of the fact that ‘life-is-too-short.’

Two concerts in the last couple months and another concert the first weekend in September, two Santa Cruz getaways, an incredible 4th July on the beach, Just got a new tattoo a couple of days ago, Hot August Nights coming up in Reno, The Bay Bombs car show next month, Movies on the Beach at Santa Cruz every Wednesday, Taking summer college classes, Las Vegas in September, Christmas at a world-famous Hot Springs and resort in Genoa, NV, Puerto Rico in Spring…. It’s all moving fast but I’m loving it and wouldn’t have it any other way.

It feels as though I’ve gotten my wings back and I’m embracing all things wonderful. I’m doing things that make me happy, I’m doing things that are bringing me back to life. I’m doing all the things I used to do but stopped doing after this situation took place. I’m always going somewhere new and outrageous and people love that I keep all their lives exciting too as I drag them with me all over the place! There’s several plays coming up that I’m going to, and a weekend split between the Japanese Tea Gardens in San Francisco and the Secret Garden  in Oakland.

I started a Bible Study a few nights ago and that in itself has made me a little stronger by the day. I’m taking control but letting God take the lead and I’ve never found such happiness. This is the first writing break I have taken in ten years and there are days where I am itching to tap the keys but I remind myself of why I need to stick to this time of rejuvenation and reflection. I keep the hope that this rest will only help me uplift my spirit so I will be better all around. A little time off is not something I should persecute myself for.

So I just wanted to catch my babygirl up on what her auntie is doing; feeling elated and inspired. I feel less imprisoned. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am making time for impromptu picnics, I’m pulling over to capture beautiful images on film. I am all-in when it comes to my emotions and actions.

This is honestly the most empowered I have felt in over ten years. I feel like things are coming into focus. I’m able to resist temptations, I am able to sleep. Faith and fulfillment have replaced the constant sorrow and emptiness. I’m loved, I’m blessed, I’m loyal and fun to be around again. I’m way better than I ever was and it has been great getting to spend time working on me. Getting myself back has been a miracle in itself.

Even though I’m taking this little time for myself, not a moment goes by that I don’t think of my niece. I think of her everyday. I miss her every day, and that will never change ….