Operate.

 

I escape into art.

It helps calm my spirit and inspires my creativity.

I paint.

I write.

And I dance.

I’m in my black bottoms that say ‘ Boss ‘ on them, a white wife-beater, and Adidas, feeling so free. This level of ‘ feel good ‘ is definitely worth sharing because something has come over me in such a way that is taking my breath away. 

Right now, this moment, I’m floating in the clouds. I’m going over choreography that will keep me in a state of euphoria until at least 4am. There’s no better feeling than that of getting lost into beautiful and sensual music, under the watchful eyes of a lover, going over each step, for hours, until it flows perfectly. It is incredibly intense.

I feel exhilarated.

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel lovely and delicate, cleansed of sin, forgiven for hate.

I feel whole, as though time has stopped.

Note to self : …. love, music, dance, and energy can help put a broken heart back together ….

 

Tonight, Love Wins. 

Tonight,  for the first time in about ten or eleven years, my mother finds all of her children under one roof. 

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for not forgetting about us ….

No, I Don’t Forgive Them. Don’t Even Ask Me To. 

This hurts so bad, I can’t  sleep. 

My mind has been racing all day.

My heart feels heavy , and unforgiving. 

It’s a constant feeling of how-do-I-get-through-this. 

I want this over, and I want this right. 

I’ve never felt so helpless, or anxious. 

I close my eyes and just think … stop….stop…stop…. I don’t want it like this. 

I want to fix it, and can’t, and that makes it hard to even breathe. 

I can’t even sleep in the quiet, because it’s just too loud. 

 

Hate and Heart Collide ….

You keep it together;  incessantly resisting giving a beat down.

You don’t give up; even when colors all fade to black.

You never stop dreaming; even when nightmares shake you awake.

You keep going; pushing through the tears.

You figure it out; contemplating  impossible answers.

You don’t buy or sell the lies; you protect the truth with your very life.

You go all in; mastering the fine art of balance between pleasure and pain.

You don’t back down, you truck whatever is in your way.

You don’t apologize for standing firm; right is right…. now, or a million years from now.

You don’t let fear replace your fun; that rush is rare…. get it good.

You don’t let the circumstance take you from yourself; you immerse your entire being into ride-or-die love.

Most importantly…. you don’t become a fallen angel; you hold on to your innocence.

 

 

What I Meant

I can’t remember when I wrote just those three words, but the feeling is still lingering; subtly, but still there. 

Still.

Can’t.

Write.

It looks like …. still can’t write.

That isn’t what I meant.

I feel as though my memory kind of fades in and out. It’s amazing what I can remember, and it’s astounding when it comes to what I forget. It’s has most definitely been a means 0f survivial and once feeling like a curse, it is now the biggest blessing …. being able to forget. Not forget my niece, but forget the time we are without her and waiting. Forget the memories we have missed making, forget how I cried so much that I had to stop because my eyes hurt so bad I didn’t want to even open them.

Something magnificent has happened to me, and although I can’t explain it, I feel better than I have ever in my entire life. Puzzle pieces are coming together and staying on lock and the very thought of that is simply delicious.

All that being said, three small words, that actually spoke volumes, are better to be revisited and clarified as to prevent confusion between a statement of despair, and a statement of reclamation of self.

When your heart is aching, it is necessary to readjust, reevaluate, and you’re in constant reconnaissance mode.

You never clock out, and you never tap out. 

Because of all that, sometimes, you need to be still. And because of this agony, I have had to learn to be still, and force myself through sitting still and just ‘being’.

So, just because I’d like to be understood, here’s the breakdown ….

 

> Still.      As in stillness, ‘ being ‘ still. Deep silence or calm, not moving or making a sound.

> Can’t.      As in being pulled in a million directions, by a million people wanting a million different things. So many things to do, and although I do them, I feel as though I ‘ just can’t’. Or at the very least, have to talk myself through and pray myself through.

> Write.      As in I’ve been manically writing. Just not writing about this. I’ve been pouring dreams, explanations, and information into journals , in a random sort of order. My most beautiful of memories are suddenly coming to me in my dreams once again, and it has been like getting to experience those perfect moments all over again. Not surprisingly, the more I write to get it all out, the lighter I feel, and the better I’m sleeping.

I’m learning to be still. I’m learning to push though the ‘ cant’s ‘ and feelings of ‘ I don’t want to. ‘ I find myself smiling and laughing and playing. I get midnight milkshakes. I look for rainbows and rays of light through dark clouds. I’ve been writing about the best and most amazing things I’ve experienced, and who I experienced them with. Too many good times to count and my dreams are now something I look forward to, no longer afraid to fall asleep, nightmares no longer haunting me.

I’m putting pen to paper, not fingers to keys, and it’s a totally different sense of ownership of my own feelings. I’m learning that it’s okay for me to have some. Both good and  bad. I understand and reluctantly accept that light can’t exist without darkness; and that darkness can’t exist without light. I’m finding the beautiful, I’m finding the blessings ….