Like Walking Through A Field Of Dandelions ….

Trying to find the words when I am at a loss for them …. These are all I can find ….

Happy Twelfth Birthday, sweet baby girl.

I remember when you were two, walking hand in hand with me.

We are still auntie and niece, and nothing and no one can ever take that from us.

We, your family, love you ever-so-dearly.

I hope with all my heart, and all of my belief and faith in God, that one day we will again walk side by side together, the feeling of a dream, like walking through a field of dandelions ….


Because, It Just Hurts So Bad.

The ups, downs, and all arounds of these emotions has been a beast. 

Surviving it has been exhausting, confusing, infuriating; although I don’t in which order.

It’s hard to feel good, or even accept the goodness that is coming my way.

I smile, then I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel bad, for feeling good, and that in itself is a whole other big thing. Something else I don’t understand, and wouldn’t want to if I did.

I laugh, then my memory gets triggered, and I cry until my eyes get swollen. I didn’t know you could cry so much that your eyes literally get so puffy and red that all you want to do is put a cold washcloth over them as you collapse into your protector’s arms.

I’m a writer, and I haven’t been able to write.

I’m a lover, and I haven’t been able to love.

I (  and all of us ) have been utterly consumed and paralyzed by this grief, this sadness, this need for answers, this hope for justice.

I haven’t written much at all lately ( a first for me ) because I can’t.

I can barely put two thoughts together, never mind trying to covey the deepest sorrow of my being from feeling to paper.


1.4.3 ….

I recently wrote about some “codes” that I wanted to share with you babygirl.. and when I caught the time today, I remembered the most beautiful of the codes of unspoken words. 

How could I forget the most important of this very special language?…


I Love You. 

Whether it’s said, or written, or gestured by hand from across the room…. I have always loved 1.4.3. 

Love is so important, sacred,  and special to me. I’m a lover… to love and be in-love and to be loved and be in-love with back, feels absolutely, fabulously,  deliciously, incredibly….wonderful…. 

I love you, I am here for you,  we are all waiting for you to come home. We miss you beyond explanation….. 

In our family, everyone has a nickname and since you were born we have called you ‘lovie’… I don’t know if I ever told you that…. (smile)

You mean the world to us and I hope someday soon, we will be together again…. our hearts are yours, our arms are waiting…. someday soon, someday soon….

1.4.3 ….

Love eternally….

~ ☆ Auntie 

Code of the Unspoken Words

I have always spoken in code. 

So I thought since I have love on my mind, like always,  I’d share a bit of my love codes because everyone that I love knows them and my niece needs to more than anyone. 

Sometimes I have to share personal things to remind myself, my niece, and everyone else involved, that we are more than case numbers… we are Lovers by Design…. Broken hearts trying to mend, as if it is even possible.

So I don’t know where I got it or how it started but it sticks with me on a daily. 

Not just Love Codes, but codes in general.

Like right now, it’s 10:43, the perfect time to explain 10:43 because it isn’t a time, it is a state of acknowledgement and appreciation. It means l-o-v-e. It means everything about love. I want to love on you, I want you to love on me back. Our love is eternal,  crazy good, you’re my babylove, I’m your good girl. We fall in love over and over again. It’s just a little bonus, catching that time , night or day, it makes your mind drift to the one who holds the key to your heart.

8.2.3 means thinking of you…not just thinking of you, deeply thinking of you…. longing for you…. lost in thought about you…. I’m doing whatever I’m doing with you on my mind. The quick, beautiful, and lovely way to say so quickly that someone means so much and everything they do means so much. You may be without each other for the moment but you’re in it for your entire eternity. The ones you love determine the world around you, sad but true. So when it comes to the one I adore and cherish, I’ll only be carried out in his arms. He tucks me in and wraps me up tight, stays close to me all through the night. He is my dream-come-true and the answer to every prayer.


Code Double O,  means get here now by any means, don’t ask questions and wait for detailed instructions upon arrival. You’re the person in my life who protects me, and gets me through tragedy and triumph. Every person in my life holds a different position. Life is a chess game, you have specific players for specific situations. Depending on what I need and what is going on, determines who gets this particular code. This code is earned after many years.


Can’t share too much, but what I did share, came from my heart ….