My darling niece….
I miss you more with each passing day.
I called and started the process of enforcing visitation today. It has been 6 years since I have held you in my arms, held you close to my heart.
Dealing with your absence, the injustice inflicted upon your mom, the absolutely consuming heartache that we all feel day after day, night after night, has shaken me to the core.
After a visit with you, the overwhelming hurt of having to leave you behind with strangers makes me an emotional wreck and makes me physically ill.
Literally the moment I found out about you and what had happened, I fell to my knees and became sick. I cried, I screamed, and I felt my body shake and become weak. It has only gotten worse as the years have gone by. I believe a broken heart does tremendous damage to the spirit, it dims even the brightest of lights….
Going through the visits, the courts, the meetings with attorneys, paying a monitor to visit with you, having to abide by ridiculous rules by people who have no business in your life in the first place, it all has taken an enormous toll on my health.
Physically I have developed fibromyalgia, post traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety. I suffer nightmares. I have days where I am able to look at your pictures, and others it is too painful. I have to keep myself from crying because it’s so hard to stop once I’ve started. I have to choke the pain down, close my eyes, and pray.
It is all because I miss you so much. I feel that what has happened is so wrong that I will never accept it. Paperwork or not, I am your auntie.
I am preparing for it to be difficult to set up our visit, because it always has been. The people who have you have been awful to us, delighted to take you from your family to put you in theirs. They are desperate for you to be their child, but God gave you a mother, and her name is Serena.
I just had a baby 6 months ago, I just had nasal surgery, also preparing for another nasal surgery at the end of the year. I am having a tough recovery and the fibromyalgia is so difficult to manage.
This adoption and all the ugly contained within it has made the seconds of time tick by. I am constantly restless, and the way I am able to spend time with you is through my writing. I am able to connect words with the feelings in my heart and someday you will read everything I have written to you, for you.
I have always needed you, and being forced to leave you at that park we have to visit at literally gives me nightmares.
I know it will take many months for me to be able to function when our visit is over. I know how the pain and emptiness will make me cry myself to sleep.
But it’s worth it to me. I would travel a million miles over a million years to see you for just one minute. Your are my blood. My life. My Niece.