The Flashbacks

I could be shopping, taking a drive, cooking dinner.

I will suddenly see in my mind’s eye my niece’s face, I will see the park where I had to leave her after a 3 hour visit, I see Letty’s pudgy face and glasses and I hear the hurtful things she said to me and to my family after we found out about her dirty deeds.We were completely unaware that she was the snake in the grass.

I see my sister cradled in my mother’s lap weeping, I see the piles of paperwork I have to pour over, I have nightmares of all the bits and pieces.

The flashbacks are awful, and really anything can trigger the memory.

Not just the holidays hurt. I don’t just miss Grace and need her on special occasions.

I hardly celebrate any holidays anymore. I feel so incomplete and it’s a struggle to be festive and happy when all you want to do is just crawl under the covers and disappear into a dark room. There is someone very important missing…. a little girl who should be with her family, our family.

I can’t believe I have been feeling like this for almost 9 years.

I can’t believe how much it is still a struggle to get through each day.

It is worse than experiencing the death of a child. Because when a child enters into rest, sooner or later you must accept it, you must say goodbye and find some sort of absolution. But when your niece is being held just beyond your reach, living amongst strangers, in a place she was not meant to be, it is impossible to accept or move on.


Why was this adoption just thrown together with complete disregard for the mother and child that would be torn apart?….




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