Archive | July 2013

I Love You, Mijita

Nothing feels like pain,

Nothing hurts so bad,

Nothing breaks my heart like this,

Nothing makes me quite as sad.

The feeling of you gone breaks my heart in two, I don’t know what I’ll do or how to make it through.

Will you ever want to know me, do you know how much I care, a love between an Aunt and Niece is something that’s so rare.

My heart just feels so empty with you so far away, someday God will bless us and you’ll be home to stay.

One day I’ll hold you in my arms and never let you go, you’ll see all that I have seen and all that I have known.

You’ll always be a part of us no matter what they say, God knows our pain, all we’ve cried and all that we have prayed.

What’s left of my broken heart is yours, you’re always on my mind,  faith will guide you home, true love is here to find….

Faith = Love

It’s so hard to be positive when the circumstances of your situation are so very negative.

How do you find any beauty in such an ugly situation?

The details are painful, and it physically hurts when I think about my niece, in the arms of strangers.

One day, my little love will come home, she will be welcomed with loving arms and tears of happiness.

I look so forward to the day when we are  free to love each other, to see other, to call each other aunt and niece.

Everyone wants to know where they came from, whom they belong to, what their history is…everyone wants to see faces that resemble their own.

God has a plan when he creates family and each of its members and ever since my niece has been gone, life has changed dramatically.

It takes all of my strength to make through one whole day, but with each passing day, that is one day closer to her homecoming.

So I pray…. I wait…. and I pray some more.

I have made it this far, almost exactly nine years.

That is over 3,000 days and extremely restless nights.

That is well over 6,000 prayers.

The tears that have fallen, it’s like trying to count the stars in the sky.

I never knew tears could fall so fast, or that two tears could come down one after the other, but they do, if the pain is great enough.

But hope is something no one can take from us.

The truth is something that can only be distorted for so long.

She will be home one day soon, our family will be complete, our hearts will no longer be broken.

We will feel an abundance of love and joy, and that makes me close my eyes and smile….

A Typical Day Of Writing ….

desk (2)


This is a typical day of writing.

I’m in recovery and on sabbatical to write part one of this book.  

So before I go back to work in March, I have to find time to write in between taking care of my daily responsibilities. Hence why I mostly write at night, when the kids are fed and bathed and off to sleep.

This is a photo of the dining table in our family room behind the sofa. I sort of took over this table until my writing area was moved to the garage because of all the boxes of paperwork and files, letters, notes, and writings to my niece. I had to design a specific area for me to write, to organize the information for the book I’m writing about the adoption.

I have almost nine years of “stuff” that I need to sort through and put together, and finally printing out the files that I’ve been keeping and seeing the book come to life is a miracle to me.

Seeing page after page, knowing that our story is finally being told and documented is an enormous relief and the weight is being lifted off my shoulders little by little each day.

I go to sleep with it less, I don’t wrestle around the bed quite as much as I used to.

I pray now not with worry, but with faith….


Love Keeps Hope Alive ….


In this photo, from left: Samantha, Nevaeh, and Xavier.

In relation to myself; they are my sister, niece, and brother.

Family is specifically designed and each person is irreplaceable.

May God reunite us …. heart to heart and hand in hand ….

An Auntie’s Love ….

My Niece Nevaeh,


It’s been hard for me to love, trust, talk to people, go outside.

Since your absence, it’s been hard to do anything that I did so effortlessly before.

Faith renewed, spirit refreshed, after much prayer and trying to look up instead of down.

You are still our baby girl, we all talk about you, wish for you, and cry for you. Every single day.

Not a moment passes that you’re not with us.


One day you will be home, with your mom, cousins, all of the people who are so incomplete without you.

A dream we all share, is to take you out for ice-cream….something so simple, yet so far out of our reach.

I have the box of crayons that we colored with at our last visit.

I have them in my jewelry box, and I take them out and touch them, just to feel where your precious tiny fingers once were.

As I write this to you, I have tears falling down my face, my heart hurts, and I know I have at least 9 more years of this.


But looking at it in a different way, we’re halfway there…. You will be in your rightful home with your rightful family, you will see that you look just like your mommy Samantha, you will know how hard and long we tried.

You will see how terribly wrong your adoption was, and what your “parents” and everyone involved did. You will be able to go through documents, read papers, see pictures.

You are my niece, and I will keep you with me always.

Giving up is not an option, when something is wrong, it must be made right.

I love you Nevaeh, infinitely, and eternally….



Love, Auntie Elizabeth

America’s $1.4 Billion-per-year Adoption Industry

“Adoption is a violent act, a political act of aggression towards a woman who has supposedly offended the sexual mores by committing the unforgivable act of not suppressing her sexuality, and therefore not keeping it for trading purposes through traditional marriage. The crime is a grave one, for she threatens the very fabric of our society. The penalty is severe. She is stripped of her child by a variety of subtle and not so subtle manoeuvres and then brutally abandoned.”      ~ Joss Shawyer, Death by Adoption, Cicada Press (1979)

” Adoption is and has always been deeply imbued in classism, as it is adoption’s intent and most often outcome to move a child from lower to higher-class status. This is truer today than ever, as adoption has become a business of finding children for clients.”     ~ Mirah Riben

“Contrary to popular belief, mothers don’t go on in this world after “giving up” a child, enjoying their lives and forgetting the child ever existed.  Even though people would love to think this is true, it’s not the reality of the situation for most of us. Our lives are colored by the traumatic event and we are never the same afterwards. Most of us grieve for years ….”      ~ Jaymie Frederick, professional searcher and licensed PI

” Adoption is the severing of a family, there is no greater pain than the emptiness and knowing that a part of you is out there and you can’t have her….you’re in a constant state of wonder, sadness, anger, love, all in a whirlwind. It unravels you, it is all-consuming. My life’s timeline is separated in two parts: before I lost my niece, and after I lost my niece. Broken, I will long for her eternally….”     ~ Elizabeth, Aunt of Nevaeh



~JOB 24:9

Always Sisters…Forever Friends….

By the time I am able to get to sleep I have spent many hours tossing and turning.

It is the love for my sister and niece that has driven me, the desperate need to give my sister and her daughter a voice.

It’s my responsibility to stand up for what I believe and those I love.

I refuse to let this injustice go unnoticed and I will not rest until our entire story is told.

I hurt.

My family hurts.

I know that my sister has been thankful to me for everything I’ve done in helping her tell her/our story over many, many years.

But a few nights ago, I was moved to tears by a few very sweet words.

She said, “thank you for telling my story because I just can’t find the words….”

She has shared every detail with me, told and retold the story exactly the same each time and I know it so well I have it all memorized. I know how her heart is so broken, I know how fragile her spirit is, I know how much she grieves.

My baby sister, hurting so much, will finally be heard …..


It’s 4:50 am.

I just wrapped up almost 14 hours of putting together paperwork, printing, and putting some of my writings together, writing that has been continuous for 8 years.

A moment before this writing, I knelt humbly on my knees to pray.

I thanked God for my many blessings, things I forget to thank Him for, simply because I’m so often crying out in pain during prayer.

I thanked my Heavenly Father for giving me the gift of writing since I was a very small child, for the strength He has given me to endure such a traumatizing situation.

I thanked Him for the patience He has given me through this dreadfully long 9 years, each day is a struggle. The time that goes by does nothing to diminish the pain.

I told Him I am completely broken, and only He can heal my broken heart, and very slowly, He is.

I told Him I trusted Him, that in His timing, He will make the wrong, right.

God has given me the passion to diligently write, to never give up.

He has carried me through each day, comforted me at night.

Though this has been the most devastating of all nightmares, I can honestly say I have never been as close to my Heavenly Father. I seek Him every day, I pray in the garden, in the kitchen, in the car, in my dreams.

Glory  to God, for His mercy, His  love.

Through God, Everything Is Possible….

~ Good night my baby Nevaeh, Auntie Elizabeth loves you and misses you….I am empty without you…..