A Broken Heart

I feel so sad, so heartbroken.

This experience has made me fall to my knees, made me cry day and night, even through the night. I wake up with dried tears on my face. It hurts. Time, what is that? One day rolls into the next. I wake up, and don’t know how I’ll get through the day; I go to sleep wondering how did I get through the day.

Is it so wrong for me to want a niece that is rightfully mine? I’m made to feel like “how dare I love her, how dare I want her.”

Is it so horrible that I just can’t seem to get it together after my heart was ripped out with cold, bare hands?

I think people really can die from a broken heart. The anguish and the raw emotion that losing a child brings is something I don’t recognize and hardly know how to explain. Only those that have lost a child can truly understand the emptiness, the sand falling one grain at a time through the hourglass. Each moment no less painful than the previous.

How do you make sense of seeing yourself do things you never would, not doing things you always did? I’ve changed so dramatically. So permanently. I used to love people, now I don’t want anyone I don’t know near me, I just don’t trust anyone. People are capable of terrible things, and they do them with smiles on their faces. They laugh when you cry.

A broken heart changes a person. I’ve developed severe fibromyalgia and can literally feel the pain and worry manifest with extreme body pain the worse my anxiety gets.

All day, I’m super-mom, super-wife and super-teacher.

All night, I’m hurt, I’m worried, I’m absolutely heartbroken.

A daily roller-coaster of comedy and tragedy.

4 thoughts on “A Broken Heart

  1. Your heart knows in the silence of the nights the secrets of the days, but your heart’s knowledge is difficult to put into words. The depth of your feelings and emotions present a dilemma because they are boundless and unquantifiable. There is no scale to measure your degree of sensitivity, the intensity of your suffering and joys, or the stamina and resiliency needed to overcome impediments. Ultimately, the emotional depths of some moments in life are so overwhelming that they can only be resolved by God. (Adoption Detective, p. 189) Seek to find the words you already know in thought, and when you are in your lowest emotional states of mind, and there is no one there to help you overcome distress and discouragement and breach the rift, you will find it therapeutic to humbly direct your accepted wisdom to God.
    http://judithland.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/troubled-by-circumstances-or-the-behavior-of-others/

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    • I had stayed up crying all night, feeling alone, and insignificant.

      Your post came at a time I was desperate, I am so crushed by the silence of what has happened in our family.

      I thank you so much, for being there and comforting me in a time of immeasurable grief.

      I have been reading through your blog, and may I say “wow.” You are a strong and courageous woman and I thank you for helping me through the worst time of my life.

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      • Rainbows follow storms. Happiness comes from exercising our own free will, setting attainable goals, establishing a purpose for our life, and fulfilling our true destiny.

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  2. Pingback: Betrayal | Bubbles

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