A few weeks before my niece’s birthday, something profound happened in my life.
I was getting ready for work, listening to Joyce Meyer, and she made a point that perhaps will help me get through this long and painful wait. She said that God doesn’t want us suffering while He’s working. Pray without worrying. I have felt different ever since.
For the last 9 years, getting through one day took every ounce of effort, all day and night asking God to help me. I felt guilty if I wasn’t hurting every moment, I felt guilty if I laughed, guilty if I wasn’t trying to fix this at all times. I got lost somewhere along the way, and so did my family. I just wanted to be alone. Who wants the people they love most to see you completely coming apart? I have been in this emotional prison for so long. The endless barrage of emotions; sadness, anger, emptiness, frustration. I feel like I haven’t had a moment to breathe or think straight since the moment I got the call that changed everything.
When I stopped and listened to the rest of the sermon, I felt God’s presence, and I realized that this was not my burden to carry. I have given up enough, I have cried enough, I have pushed people away that I used to hold sacred and dear. All out of hurt. I couldn’t get past the gut-wrenching pain I felt. It is still very close to the surface, but it’s not to the point of erupting.
The weekend after this all happened (and I say all because it seemed so much had happened to my inner self in that brief amount of time getting ready at the vanity) I went and stayed in Santa Cruz, just to get away and regroup. It was the first time I can remember that I couldn’t think about anything. I walked on the beach and looked out at the water, the beautiful sky, and I felt like everything was going to be okay. I felt relaxed, calm. I ate delicious seafood, I read, and I talked to God. My mind wasn’t going a million miles a minute and for once I didn’t feel bad or guilty about feeling okay. I realized I wasn’t a horrible person if I smiled. I didn’t have to suffer every moment while I await my niece’s return. God is in control and there is nothing He can’t handle.
Since this amazing thing happened, I have decided to take a break for “mending my broken heart.” I have been in such a state of despair under the crushing weight of a situation of this magnitude. I need to allow myself time to breathe, to just BE. The holidays will be hard enough and if I don’t take this much-needed break I’ll never be able to put one foot in front of the other. I realized I can’t go on handling the world and everything in it. I can only do so much.
So that being said, I have to take some time at least until after the holidays. I have to put conscious effort into getting better.
The best thing about being totally broken is being totally renewed.
God can put a million pieces back together, seamlessly.