Every part of this has been hard, and we never in a million years thought we’d be going through such a thing. We never made a plan for our baby being sold away by our neighbor. We never contemplated what we would do if someone ripped out our still beating hearts. It’s so hard to deal with something you never planned for. One minute things are great, the next we have been thrust into this alternate universe.
The big deal about life-changing events is that they change you for life; from that moment forward, everything you ever knew is different and nothing will ever be the same. It’s a daily struggle, and it takes effort every moment to pull yourself up out of the despair. Things you thought were important no longer matter, and the things you overlooked and never appreciated before now become vital to your very existence.
It has been overwhelming to say the least. Lawyers, judges, family court, monitors, demands, paperwork, ridiculous rules, enormous injustice.. I wish I could just make it all go away. The very word adoption makes my stomach turn.
Going through this has been such a lonely road. No one I’ve ever told about this has ever even heard of such a thing, and talking about it amongst ourselves in the family is so awful that I wish I could erase the memories of breakdowns-past.
I see the tears running down our faces, the confusion in our eyes, the despair in our hearts. Even though we feel like dying inside every moment, we smile and hide the sadness the best we can. We try to go on without ever moving on, we do our best to maintain. We’re trying our best to survive this horrible and seemingly hopeless situation. We have rebuilt around niece, not without her. We hold her so close emotionally in our hearts that she really is always with us.
It means so much to me to have this blog, a place where I can vent and dream, a running record of the rollercoaster. To have strangers from around the world reach out to me, reading our story, comforting reassurances and telling me I’m not alone, helps me beyond words. It really isn’t easy spilling details that are essentially in my “diary”, telling the most painful details of something I can’t wrap my brain around, something I’ll probably never understand.