Tonight as I drove home across the bridge in San Francisco, I was taken aback by all the beautiful lights of the city. The water looked so peaceful and for that brief time I was at peace. I felt completely free. I allowed myself to not hurt for just a few minutes and the relief I felt was wonderful.
Someone very close to me told me recently that this situation and these people who caused all this turmoil in our lives don’t get to rob me of every piece of happiness, which they have done so far, and I took that completely to heart.
Since my niece has been gone, I felt like I should never be happy. I didn’t want to smile because I thought I should only cry. I felt like how dare I enjoy a moment without her. But I realized that this isn’t my fault, this isn’t my sister’s fault, this isn’t my family’s fault. We never asked for this, we didn’t deserve it, and we tried everything to make it right.
God answers prayers. He knows a heavy, restless heart. I believe with all my broken heart that one day it will be mended. I look so forward to the day that I can finally get a good night’s sleep, when I can let my mind rest. No more racing thoughts, no more giving half of my attention, no more feeling like I just want to just jump out of my skin. I’ve wrapped myself in this protective armor since this happened, barely allowed anyone into my heart, and have remained profoundly guarded for far too long. I slowly feel this ice around my heart melting. I’ve always said that love is the strongest force, and I truly believe that love will lead my niece home.