It’s been so unbearably painful dealing with this catastrophe that I’ve had to take a break by forcing myself to clear my mind of everything.
For my sanity’s sake, I’ve had to stop myself from thinking about the million details that haunt me. Court dates, paperwork, unanswered questions, past visits, red flags, the set up, everything to do with the adoption, I’ve had to choke down and bury it as deep as it will go.
All these years that have gone by, it’s been non-stop and it never goes away. I can’t get away from it no matter what. Everywhere I am and everything I do, it’s always there. There is no escape. The whirlwind of emotions is constant. I keep my niece as close to me as I can, even if it’s only in my thoughts. Thinking about her, loving her, and writing to her are things that no one can take from me and I’m adamant about all of them. The love and passion I have for her keeps me going when I feel like I just can’t go one more moment or one step further.
I’ve had to keep my blood pressure down, I’m still recovering from an accident and surgery with corrective surgery coming up, the vivid nightmares still continue to wake me up in cold sweats, I have to close my eyes and breathe out the anxiety that consumes me. I have no choice but to take care of myself right now and to be honest, I’ve had to learn how to do that because I have put myself off for so long. I have come last and been the last thing that mattered and now that I’m being taken care of instead of being the caretaker, I really don’t know how to handle it. I feel out of my element when someone does something for me. I feel guilty about resting or even sitting down. I pray away whatever creeps in my mind, at least for the time being. As soon as I’m better, I’m sure I’ll be just as diligent as I’ve always been, but for the short-time-being, I have to take it easy. I have to give myself back to those who love me and depend on me, those who lost me because of the madness. I’m resting and feeling more rejuvenated than I’ve felt in quite a while. It’s a struggle, but my faith keeps me afloat.
For my niece, I can and will go the distance.