After a blissfully busy day, which started out very early with my eldest daughter, a rare and delicious cup of coffee, and the heartwarming movie ‘The Water is Wide’, now is the quiet time I cherish.
The time I get to spend with my niece.
Kids are all tucked in after being fed, bathed, read to, and prayed with.
The house is spotless, Joyce Meyer on the television.
Got a ton of homework done, and decorated 45 cupcakes for my son’s class to celebrate his 15th birthday today.
Taking full advantage of my sabbatical over the next four months as I await surgery and recovery, I am enjoying every moment at home taking care of the two little babies I was recently blessed with. Although I miss my students everyday and can’t wait to get back to my classroom, I love falling in love with my miracle babies all throughout the day. Then when I go back to work, my son will be in my class and the baby girl will be in a nearby infant classroom so I’ll have the best of both worlds; having a career I love and spending the first five critical years with the babies I prayed for over eleven long and disappointing years. Losing two babies because of this ugly adoption was and always will be excruciating. Wondering about the two babies that may have been puts a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow. So as much as I hurt over that, I am trying to fully appreciate the blessings that are right in front of me. But when your heart hurts, it hurts. You can’t tell it to stop because it’s slowly killing you. The absence of the presence of the ones you love will run through your mind a million times a day. Their place is never replaced.
No matter what I’m doing or how busy I get, I always make the time to try to achieve the heart to heart with my niece that I am so desperately longing for. I do anything I can to keep her with me. I see the resemblance of her little face when I look at the babies and though I am consumed with absolute joy, I can’t help but think what I wouldn’t give to hold my niece just as close. I just want to look at her, and when I once again do, I’m sure she will see and feel the love in my eyes.
So before I get ‘tucked in’ and pray, I want her to know she is always with me. It is sheer devotion to her that drives me on in this lonely, unbelievable, and indescribable crusade. It’s madness, a huge monster with a life of its own. Being away from her is a slow and tortuous ordeal. But I never lose faith. I never lose hope. I imagine our reunion and it makes me smile, my soul elated …. Then and only then will I be able to fully breathe, to fully live, to fully love.