Somewhere Between Lovely and Lunacy

If it weren’t for this, life would be good.

Beautiful kids, lovely home, garden, nice car, many people who love me and multiple proposals, two great simultaneous careers: teaching preschool and event planning.

Writing a book that is nearly ready for print. I vacation several times a year, recently escaped to the Eastern Caribbean, another getaway to Hawaii soon.

I have a niece and nephew that no one can take from me. I’m creative, smart, one-of-a-kind Pisces girl, throwing a baptism for 6 in a few months, and much to my excitement, all the boxing! I’m a huge fan and I feel so spoiled with the recent fights of Pacquiao, Cotto, and upcoming Canelo fight. I’m the world’s greatest hostess for the fights, UFC, and Superbowl. Tons of food ( and I cook the best) a huge television with a Bose sound system, fire pit with chairs in the backyard, pool table, Dominoes, darts, and loud music in the garage. As long as I can remember, people have always come to my house for celebrations and kick-backs because no one does it better. 

It has taken me so long to fight back, to want to be alive, to want to smile. I keep thinking back to my life before all this happened. It was normal, whatever that means.

Then one day, the carpet got yanked out from underneath us and nothing would ever be the same again. It changed absolutely everything. After that point, I felt like everywhere I went, I needed security. I know it sounds odd, but it just means that anything can happen at any given time. If only I could have security for everyday life, to protect me from all the bad things in the world, all the awful things people do to each other without a second thought.

So life went from things like toasting ‘ to love’ and being VIP everywhere I went (which is everywhere) to breaking everything I could get my hands on in the house. Many dishes and decorations were casualties of this bizarre circumstance. A lot of screaming and crying, weeping, begging, praying.

It’s been so up and down, and it made a lot of people lose a lot of things. Marriages, miscarriages, great jobs, friends, homes, smiles, happiness, senses of well-being. I have always lived by ‘ Trust None ‘ and though I’m bouncing back, it unfortunately remains true.

Slowly the cynical is being chipped away. Other than God, I really leaned on myself to get through this. I didn’t want to burden friends, I had a partner who was clueless and careless, I didn’t want to further break the hearts of those I loved so I couldn’t speak of it. After all this time, I’m finally realizing I am strong, and I have made it this far. I haven’t given up for one single moment. Each day I thank God and when I finally lie down, I think ‘ one day closer . ‘

One day, life will again be sweet. No distractions of anything adoption. I won’t have to say the ‘ A ‘ word, I won’t have to carry it on my shoulders, and it won’t give me any more nightmares. I just want to be free of this. I want myself back, I just want everything to be okay again.

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