So last night obviously my broken heart jumped off the page, but tonight I went outside and looked at the dark night sky I love so much. I breathed and felt God’s love pour down over me. I loved the gorgeous moon, and I must have wished on every star in the sky. My face looking up, the tears ran completely down my face.
I’ve described this monster like being on a roller-coaster because it is up and down at any given moment.
Now that I have taken an ordered rest, following an accident, surgery, and now waiting on the second surgery, I’m supposed to be taking it easy, of course I can’t. All I can think of is knocking out the rest of the key points that need to be written before the final edit before print. I want desperately to put this first half of the book to rest. I want my people to know what happened to us, and to give them a warning of what can happen if you let your guard down for even a moment. Specifically written for my niece and family, and to let everyone involved know the impact this made on us. Our lives imploded.
I imagine once the book is on the shelf next to my bed, I will be able to sleep just a little more comfortably. I will close my eyes and almost sigh with relief. Writing about this has literally taken thousands of hours. Hours away from my kids, students, friends, and lovers. Make no mistake, it is all worth it to me. I’ve made so many sacrifices and the greater the sacrifice, the greater the reward.
I trust in God to make it right, I trust my niece will come home to us. I believe one day I’ll turn back into that love bug I once was, only better. I’ll be stronger and wiser. I’m cutting myself slack for the way I’m handling all this. Don’t mind me, I’m just a girl who had her heart ripped out. I’m absolutely allowed to grieve and mourn, kick and scream.
Each day as I look into my babies’ faces, it melts some of the ice that my heart is encased in. I’m just so angry that something so devastating happened to us, and sometimes I daydream of what life would have been like had it not. We’ve all missed out on so many wonderful things. This turned us all into cynics, and none of us ever looked at things the same again. We’re always suspicious, guarded, I don’t trust people as far as I could bowl them. I hate what this did to all of us, and how it changed us and made us take our rose-colored glasses off. It was like one day I believed in everything and felt as though I could fly, the next my wings were snipped off and the more I knew, the less I wanted to know and the less I understood.
We were betrayed, used, made to look crazy, then tossed away like trash. Is it any wonder I harbor so many ill feelings? Can you even imagine yourself in the kind of situation we were put in? I’ve never even hear of a story like this.
‘ Neighbor and court clerk sells baby. ‘
Just imagine for a moment how that would tear you apart. People always say ‘ oh if that happened to my family I’d go kill them. ‘ But you can’t. Your hands are completely tied, there’s nothing you can do, and court personnel decide the fate of your entire future without knowing you at all, and never having to deal with you again. I never knew what kind of ‘ justice system ‘ we had until this happened. I despise the courts and their procedures so much that I want to stay a million miles away from them. I’m not sure if there’s anything worse than dealing with the system, it’s enormously stressful and all-consuming. Is it any wonder I try to wish this all away? Is it any wonder that my feelings about this go back and forth and up and down?
So I’m not just some hateful, spiteful person. Tragedies change people, and they have to fight their way back to a be just a fraction of what they once were. Their lives become divided into two timelines, before the nightmare, after the nightmare.
If I didn’t have so much love and feel so much love, I don’t think I even would have survived this. The hate for the adoption aside, I love hard and deep regarding everything else.
Love really is stronger than hate.