Today I sort of took a day off from the world.
I sat on my comfortable, plush bed with my baby daughter next to me and was thankful for every moment. I believe God sent her to me to help heal and soften my heart. She brought magic back to my world. I couldn’t even lay eyes on a baby girl for ten years without wanting to cry. She came 13 years after I prayed for her, but she came, healthy and beautiful.
Her little presence made me not want to give up; looking at her I realized I had to live for her sake, to protect her, to love and care for her. She gave me the extra push I needed to make it through today.
But …. I allowed myself to grieve. I cried softly, then sobbed out loud because I couldn’t help it. The hurt had to get out somehow.
I tried to make a very painful day as manageable as possible. I wrote to my niece, made her a card, and sent flowers and balloons to her door. I couldn’t help it. Now that she can read and understand, now that she is growing up, slowly we can reunite.
The last years we haven’t seen her we have been waiting for her to get to this point. I explained thoroughly before why we had to cease visits, for the time being, and I think the entire family being near-death, losing our marriages, being shipped far away, family split apart, being restricted with every phone call, every visit being watched and treated like animals, we had no choice but to wait until she got bigger. We need her to be able to understand. Being ” strangers in the park ” , literally, it was unhealthy for everyone involved.
Freezing at the park, first thing in the morning, restricted to 3 hours with a monitor we were required to pay for because they didn’t ‘trust’ us. That is so ridiculous that it’s almost funny. We’re not the ones who ripped a baby away from an unknowing and loving family that wanted their baby. We could never do such a thing regardless of the paperwork we had. I would have said, ‘ void it all ‘, and would place that child in the arms of the mother myself, personally. Along with a big hug and wishing them the best of life together.
I would think that God had another baby in mind for me, and I would have waited for a child that literally had no one. I couldn’t take a child away from their blood family to make a pretend one of my own. All the piles of paperwork in the world will never make her ‘theirs.’
Ever so gently we will ease our way into her life and heart, and there will be no turning back. I have the utmost faith that my niece will one day look at me and say “auntie.” It will happen and when it does, I will thank God that He answered. I will feel free.
For the last two years I have left messages for attorneys that won’t call me back because they know where our family stands and what our family believes to be true; which is an adoption-for-profit set up by a third-party who had no right to do anything of the sort.
So we just wait until that light at the end of the tunnel, which is my niece’s eighteenth birthday. We’re more than halfway there, one day we’ll be done having to wait.
I’m glad I made it through today and I’m more glad that I will keep that same faith tomorrow. I will never give up hope, I will stand strong in waiting for my niece to come home.
One day closer ….