You know, this whole time that I’ve had to deal with this enormous thing, I’ve been really patient. I’ve made it a point to pause and pray when I feel like I just can’t go any further. It’s always only about my niece and you’d be surprised how often that happens. I miss my niece so immensely it’s hard to even breathe.
To add insult to injury, I’ve heard our family, name by name, being talked about, made out to be awful, looked at like the bad guys. Funny how we were none of those things until this happened.
I have seen my closest loves, each, one by one, weep and come undone before my eyes. Seeing them hurt from such a deep place is absolute torture. Our lives, once so bright, when dim.
If I could see Lupita now, after all this tornado that she left behind, I don’t know what I would even say to her. Considering that the last time I saw her she said ‘ setting up one adoption was enough ‘ , I think honestly at this point I wouldn’t be able to not say my piece. I’d have to walk away from her and not look back. Her husband, the same thing. I would love to catch him off-guard and face-to-face.
You have to keep in mind the part that everyone played. We knew them, they were our neighbors for many years. These were people we trusted. We broke bread with them, we were welcome in each other’s homes.
We were completely blindsided that these smiling faces betrayed us beyond explanation and the fact that all of us have had to just take it is enough to make me roll my eyes and sigh with disbelief. We’ve tried to do the right things in this really wrong situation, and credit should be given to us for not going on a rampage.
Think about it, what would you do if something like this happened to you?
How would you contain yourself?
How would you maintain?
How do you keep going?
Some days you have to peel yourself out of bed, some days you’re thousands of miles away, and still can’t escape the emotional anguish that losing a child brings.
Most first reactions I hear is ‘ I’d kill them.’ But really how do you do that? How do you risk facing that kind of judgment from God, never mind the courts. You can’t even say a swear word because that makes you an unstable monster.
We can’t laugh, because then that means ‘ this isn’t affecting us.’
We can’t cry because that makes us ‘ bad people.’
We’ve been picked apart under the microscope, then the telescope as we’re watched from a distance by everyone that wants to make sure this thing stays nice and quiet. As if the details of this secret adoption won’t eventually come out. Sooner or later, my niece is going to start asking questions.
This thing with the now infamous balloons has shaken up things once again. I’ve been making calls to lawyers and sending emails. I’ve prepared packets for officials. I’m writing to the congressman about adoption reform. I wonder how long all this will take before someone even gets back to me because it has been another three months. Well, ten years and five months to be precise.
The point is I know they’re talking about us and I know I’ve made my niece’s ‘ handlers ‘ very uncomfortable. They’re likely and typically scrambling for any loophole that suits them like they always have. Like that fuse that takes a minute to burn then finally explodes, so shall this adoption unfold. I’m anxious for when things will begin to change and I’m even more anxious to have a relationship with my niece. The truth being silenced is terribly draining and very disturbing.
Shame on all those that are getting in the way of our family being a family; at the end of the day, everything comes back. Everything that was done to us will come back to them all one-by-one because they’re not exempt from judgment.
So for those who ‘ think we’re crazy ‘ and those passing their hypocritical judgment upon us, please give us a break. We have been through hell, trapped in a prison of despair, and we’re doing our best to survive this ….