Archive | April 2015

…. ‘ What Are You Running From ‘ ?….

I’m the type of person that although I have a loving heart and live with compassion, intent, and humility, I don’t mingle outside of my circle. I don’t trust anyone (can you blame me?) so it’s hard to let anyone in. I reach out to help, but at a distance, extremely cautious.

Lately, I haven’t been able to get something off my mind. I find myself reminiscing about a certain conversation with a certain someone who forced me to think and look as deep into my soul and spirit than I ever had to, and it took place during a fortuitous encounter.

It was the middle of the night, when a man came over to me. We locked eyes and started talking.

We sat across from each other, and I was silently on-guard as I got into an ‘accidentally deep’ conversation with this ‘stranger.’ We talked about everything… books, art, history, life, philosophy… Hours went by and I felt like I could tell him anything.

Then the subject of travel came up, and I began telling him the places I’d been. I said specifically, that I had been traveling the world since I was really young, but that I’ve really been ‘running all over the place for the past ten years.’ Up until that moment, I hadn’t thought about the difference between the words ‘traveling’ and ‘running.’

He looked at me with a genuine and serious look , and without hesitation, he said ‘ what are you running from?’….

I looked down, as it felt like the wind got knocked out of me.

My expression changed as I recalled the hundreds of thousands of miles I had traveled.

It was only then that I realized that it’s all this that I had been running from, and continue to run from.

I was trying to put distance between myself and my broken heart. I wanted away from this hurt, the agony of life without my niece, the restless helplessness I felt about seeing my whole family destroyed beyond comparison. I wanted away from the anger, the sleepless nights, the daydreams and the nightmares, the feeling of being on edge. I wanted away from this thing, this huge monster.

Looking back, it didn’t matter if I was two cities over, in the middle of the Caribbean ocean or Mexican Riviera, or on a road trip with a road map, nothing could take it away, nothing could make me forget.

After I sipped my 7-Up to try to make the lump in my throat go down a little easier, I became painfully aware of how immensely vulnerable I was at that moment. I felt raw emotion, and I couldn’t hide it. How surprising that someone could help me and change me with only a single question. It was one of those ‘wow’ moments, the very definition of an epiphany.

After I explained our story, we sat in silence. Tears ran down my face, he placed his hand gently on mine with great empathy, and I felt relieved to be understood.

It was like the stars aligned, the world stopped spinning in the opposite direction, and the hope I desperately needed, was restored. From then on, I was able to put one foot in front of the other, I was ready to tackle this beast.

With the help of a kind stranger, my life was saved, and I will forever be thankful …. I was in the right place, at the right time, and it was anything but an accident …. It was divine.

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I Still Believe In Miracles ….

Since March 6, so much has happened.

Luxury weekend in Santa Cruz, Andre Nickatina’s Birthday Bash, two birthday celebrations, Easter, planning the Pacquaio Fight BBQ, given several very special gifts, enrolling in four classes at Chabot College, making new contacts, a couple family nights, a few beautiful sunsets; some from a hot tub, late night pool and music hanging out in the garage with my loves, book all finalized how I want it to be printed…. I’ve seen so much beauty in this last six weeks, been showered with more love than most people get in a lifetime (if they’re lucky), I’ve had this epiphany I can hardly explain.

Even though my life has been filled with the most unique and memorable experiences, something has changed.

And I feel good.

I feel blessed.

I feel alive.

I feel renewed.

I feel not so broken.

I feel a peace over me.

I have found a way of waiting for my niece in joy, because I know how waiting in sorrow is like dying a slow death. It’s what I’ve described as ‘the little death.’ A part of me died the moment my niece was gone…. but that gave room for a rebirth. I have survived many horrible things, heard more gunshots up close than I can count, survived a near death car accident, fled a haunted house that I still have dreams about, made it through two nasal surgeries, moved to Las Vegas and back, and a million other things, all within the last few years.

You name it, it’s probably happened to me.

How amazing that though nightmares haunt my sleep, I will choose to live, to love, to be thankful, and I’m just happy that after all this, that, the other, and the etcetera, I STILL believe in miracles….

Adoption Awareness and Reform: For The Sake Of The Family

This past month, I’ve done a lot of paperwork and research. 

I made seven identical complaint packets addressed to the Nevada Supreme Court Justices, totaling 210 pages. I got information to address the Congressmen of California and Nevada, so I can stay bugging them about Adoption Reform. 

I feel like my heart is leading me to do whatever it takes to prevent another family from going through what we have. 

When are people going to learn that children should not be ‘bought’ and/or ‘sold?’

Adoption discussion is taboo, therefore awareness is slim to none. That has to change. 

In this day and age where the family unit is being attacked at every angle, it is more important than ever to find ways to keep families together, instead of just tearing them apart for the sake of profit or to help ‘poor couples’ in need of a child. 

Family means something, knowing where you came from and whom you belong to, means something. Family is there when you need help, family is there when you hurt, family is there to share your happiness. Family first, because family is everything. 

Call me old-fashioned, but I wholeheartedly believe that the family tapestry needs tender loving care and preservation….