My heart seems to be healing.
Not because I have given up, let go, or gone through however many steps books about grief claim you’re supposed to go through before the healing process begins.
I am so full of sorrow all these years later, it feels no less suffocating.
I’ve fallen asleep talking to God, swallowed up by this heartache that there are no words for.
Everyone I love, suffering around me, their hearts as broken as mine. The thoughts spin around in my mind and keeping myself in bed at night is often a task. I feel so much anxiety that I have to resist the urge to jump up, throw on my All-Star Chucks, grab my keys, and be out. Saving our lives in the middle of the night; it’s a job that I couldn’t wear my heels for.
I want my niece home.
I want to be the one to teach her and protect her.
If I focus on what I’ve missed, it is too heavy. All I can do is look toward the future, and that dream is something I both cling to and cherish.
There are no words to describe what it feels like to be kept from someone who you not only love, but are ‘ in-love ‘ with. It’s like living without your heart. You think about her every day …. her laughter, her tears …. it is agonizing.
When your heart has been broken and it begins to heal, it’s like a little magic happens.
You find yourself blushing again, being silly again, sleeping the whole night through and waking up rested. It is a small miracle to even feel again. You have given something to God and you can rest, at least through the night.
I find that I am a stronger person than I ever realized …. more loved than I imagined, more adored than I ever believed, more cared about than I ever even knew. I get middle of the night messages, middle of the night French fries and milkshakes …. looked after and held dear.
Being ‘ loved through ‘ a painful situation, by friends, lovers and the like, has been a blessing. When your heart hurts, you don’t need anything else hurting it. You need extra gentle hugs, extra passionate kisses, extra tenderness. You need understanding that goes beyond reason.
Crazy love, happy like, secret surprises, little notes from my students, stars are in my eyes and butterflies flutter in all my senses …. I have started painting again, writing poetry again, sitting on the beach with good books, writing over the city lights …. my heart is healing, and even though I know it will feel broken again tomorrow, I know that tomorrow it will also heal.
I feel peaceful, I feel calm, I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and being in the home stretch of this thing brings a relief that is much-needed.
It only confirms that what I have said all along …. Love is the strongest force and through it and with it, anything is possible ….