Archive | March 2016

The Part Of My Life That Is Just For Me.

I have always valued my privacy beyond explanation, beyond reason. I’ve guarded it fiercely.

Twitter, no …. Facebook, nah …. What’s a Snap Chat?

Pointless distractions, posting every detail, every thought for the universe to see. It seems so desperate for attention, so desperate for validation. Nothing I do have is under my ” real name ” and I only write and do research. I like live interaction, real life.

I am sought after by so many people that I have to split my time wisely so that I still get to spend time with myself every now and then.

It is nothing new for me to disappear for a few days, without a word, without a trace. And I hardly realize that I did that until thinking it out as I write it out.

I have dear friends no one has ever met, I am welcome to stay in the middle of the night with my connections in every city and all I have to do is tap on the window or find my hidden key.

I keep a whole part of my life that is just for me, that I rarely talk about. When the sun goes down, that’s when all the love, excitement, adventures, and euphoria begin.

I give every thing to every one else during the week, the weekends are strictly for the unique and extraordinary. For hidden trails in the hills, for by-invitation-only Raves where you literally enter through a trap door in the ground where no one would ever suspect it existed or imagine the wild kingdom going on beneath. I’m a lover of the things no one thinks of, I’m a lover of giving a rush, a lover of making memories.

I will never tell you where I’m going, but I’ll tell you where I’ve been. I’ll tell you how great it was, whenever I get back. That’s just how it goes.

Unless you’re with me, you don’t know where I am. And I like it that way.

Only those in my trusted circle of friends and lovers get to ride along, that is, if I choose to not go alone.

Throw some bags in the car, too many shoes, a makeup case, snacks, sunglasses, music…. sometimes not even a destination. If you want to feel free and experience  dreams-come-true, I’m the one you’re looking for.

I don’t have any social media besides this blog, and that is only because this blog is quite necessary.

One of the things that I absolutely despise is that our story is under the

category of  “must be told. ” If none of this happened, none of us would exist on this thing called the internet. And since I am compelled to share our story, I have no choice but to add personal details so that we can be seen as people and not just names on a case file in some courthouse storage room.

This adoption has violated us in too many ways to count, and I would give anything to get all of our privacy back. We’re just ordinary people who had something extraordinary happen to us, now our lives on display, for all to see. So that being said, I won’t feel ashamed, embarrassed, or uncertain about sharing some personal details of my life, and my private life; but only from time to time.

I love long-hand letters, I love face-to-face encounters, reading together in bed all cupcaked, heart-to-heart, touch-to-touch, eye-gazing, star-gazing, my energy exchange is famous in its own right, and its brilliance only comes out in the darkness of night ….

So the part of my life that is just for me, for my niece, I guess the world can see ….

 

With Whom That You Belong …. <3

My Dearest Baby Gracie ….

 

Something very special remains here just for you ….

You have a mommy waiting and a family waiting too ….

Our eyes are just alike, our blood runs through your veins ….

It’s no wonder that your absence is the source of all our pain ….

There’s a moment that you realize, you need to be with whom that you belong ….

Hearts are bound by love, and your heart will never lead you wrong.

Just a quickie little love note to tell you that we’re here ….

Those that seem the farthest are really the ones most near ….

 

 

Love For Always ….

~ Auntie ❤

 

 

 

 

Twelve.

I began this piece of writing on January 6th of this year, 2016.

Immediately following dinner on the 18th floor and the firework finale at midnight on New Year’s Eve, my mind instantly switched gears back to a part of me that is missing.

I was thinking about what a big year this is.

She’s finally 12.

Have twelve years really gone by?

Twelve years.

Twelve long years.

It feels like I have heard the clock ticking in the back of my mind. Each second going by …. tick …. tick …. tick ….

Can you imagine how maddening that is?

A richly fulfilled life with an over abundance of love, laughs, and satisfaction; the only darkness in the space of my being is the sadness that swallows me up at the thought of my niece’s absence and my family that is lost without her.

Hurting every day, trying to make the most of each day as we wait for a miracle.

This is the constant eclipse that covers the brilliance of the sun.

I stay busy. I try not to have a moment free because then that means I have time to think.

Time to hurt, time to cry.

Thank goodness my many talents keep me in demand, and people practically have to take a number to spend time with me.

Being lost in thought, time turns upside down.

An hour can feel like a minute, and a day can feel like a week.

One moment you see the flowers in bloom, the next you look up and you realize the leaves are rich with brilliant colors and the seasons have changed several times over.

This year my niece turns twelve and it has been both dreamed of and dreaded since that joke of a family court experience way back when.

This year she will learn the truth of her adoption and the circumstances under which it came about. 

This year she will learn that she has been lied to by the people who have happily deceived her and called themselves her ” parents.”

This year the charade is going to be over.

This year, “mom” and “dad” are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

This year, there will be light shed upon the darkness….

 

 

 


 

She Who Holds The Key….

I can’t let go of her ….
My thoughts always find her….
I long to see her eyes….
I wonder what she is doing….
She has the key to my heart….
Only she can make me cry….
My babygirl has changed my life….
She made me who I always wanted to be…
She made me stronger….
She made me love with intensity….
She made me reach toward the galaxy….
She is my niece….
She is my love….
She made me unbreakable….
She made me think beyond the ocean’s depth….
She is the ring on my finger….
She is the ink on my skin….
I am no longer afraid….
Nothing else can hurt me now….
A heart can’t be broken if it’s already in pieces….
I am her auntie….
She will one day soon know….
She is my lovely….
True love holds on tight and doesn’t let go….
She is my yesterday….
She is my today….
She is my forever….

When Your Heart Skips A Beat ….

I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER,   I’LL LIKE YOU FOR ALWAYS,  

AS LONG AS I’M LIVING,   MY BABY YOU’LL BE ….

❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤ 

I have gotten lost in the mix of all this hurt and I have had to slowly rediscover myself along the way.

Someone recently wrote this to me, and it took my breath away.

I felt so special, lovely, beautiful, wonderful, happy, excited, and so very blessed.

For just a brief moment, everything was okay ……..

How strong and unbreakable love, and like, really are ….. ❤

Through All This Time ….

Just a few hours ago, I came out of surgery. I had a tonsillectomy and I was scared beyond belief.

The idea of having my throat operated on was frightening to me. I’m so glad it’s over.

It was a very long day, but I still wanted to take a moment to send all of my love to my beloved

niece.

I just wanted to tell my baby girl that I need her so much. I want simple and lovely

memories with her. She is still my everything ….I hate being without her and needed to let her

know that one day soon, she will receive the book I wrote for her, as well as the supporting

documents and she will realize that she was still with me and all of us through all this time. My

family are all so eager to have her home, and I’m not afraid to say that. I won’t feel ashamed,

guilty, or scared to tell her how much she means to us. I adore her, we all adore her.

We want her so badly that we hang on to the dream of a miracle that will bring her back into our awaiting arms ….

I love her, I love her …. Forever and Forever ….

Right Now …. This Very Moment ….This Very Day.

I can’t remember me before there was you ….

I never understood what mattered, really and true.

A baby girl taken and with her my heart floated away.

Pleasure and paradise, then didn’t know night from day.

Real life heartache took the sparkle from my eyes, to my knees I instantly fell.

In the night, emotion makes my body shake, I wrap around him so the world won’t spin.

He knows I need to hold more than to be held,  he entwines our fingers over his heartbeat.

Eyes fighting back tears …. I wish it away …. I wish it was over ….

Right now …. this very moment …. this very day.

Tears flow down my face …. I get choked up, can’t breath, and sigh.

The time drawing near, their dark secrets soon to be drenched in the light.

Will rest ever find me, ever again, ever at all?…

I keep hoping …. never stop dreaming ….

I await her embrace …. no such thing as too late ….

In my life, my family is my meaning …..