Archive | April 2016

All I Ever Wanted.

Life is a gift.

Every moment is valuable.

I don’t waste time because you never know how much time you have. And once it’s gone, you can never get it back.

With the recent surgery I had, the dreams and premonitions I’ve had, the overlapping traumas I have survived …. I never take life or its magnificent beauty for granted.

I have prayed that God will keep His arms around me and keep me safe. I take care of every person in my life, and all I can think of is who will take care of all of them if something were to happen to me.

Who would serve their plates, who would take them for midnight milkshakes, who would kiss their booboos?

I’m not replaceable, and no one can do things with my particular touch. I give my everything to those I love. I pour my love over them and my energy into them.

Everywhere I have been, all the fascinating things I have experienced as the Life-of-the-Party, I’ve been picked up and swept off my feet, all the loving and learning I’ve done …. Should I die tomorrow, I have lived a full and beautifully unique life. I am a baptized and born-again Christian, and I know that heaven awaits me.

I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, learned a lot, and grown into the person I always wanted to be.

But nothing is ever perfect.

There is literally one missing piece in my life’s tapestry.

My niece.

I broke down and wept, and made my daughter promise me that if anything were to happen to me before I got to be with my niece, that she would tell her that all I ever wanted was to hold her. I begged her not to forget to tell her.

All I ever wanted was to be with her, to be her auntie, to teach her things, and to protect her from the world.

I have gotten everything in life that I ever wanted up to this point. I’ve been blessed, I’ve seen the world, I have experienced more in a weekend than most experience in a year. I feel whole, I am fulfilled. I am loved, I am desired. All that is missing is the little girl who holds the key to my heart.

So just in case something were to happen, I want my niece to know that she was all I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of. She is all I ever longed for, all that I fought for, all that I cried for, all that made me who I am.

She is my love, she is my life, she is really and truly all I ever wanted ….

With Love ….

Good night, sweet baby girl ….

Mommy loves you, your brother and sister love you, auntie loves you, your grandparents love you, your cousins love you, your uncles love you …. Your whole family is waiting for you ….

With Love,

~ Auntie Lisey ❤

She Is Our Everything ….

She is the first thing I think of when I awaken, she is the last thing I think of before I fall asleep.

Every day, I wake up with hope; every night, I go to sleep with faith.

She is our everything, and a love that strong can never be broken.

 

Deep Down.

This is one of those things that keep you thinking.

It’s one of those things that goes round and round and round in your mind, because deep down, way, way, deep down, in your heart, in your soul, in your senses, in the very fibers of your very being,  YOU    KNOW    IS    WRONG.

No matter which angle you look at it from, it is just outright immoral, unethical, inhumane, and disastrous. Lives torn apart, the earth shook, sounds around you in an obscured state, you can hear things but your mind is somewhere else. You fade in and out because it just hurts so badly. You paint in color, even though you sometimes only see black.

Helpless.

Hurting.

Save the paperwork, save the explanation, save the lies. There is no justification for the insane actions of the infamous threesome; made up of the adoptive couple and our vile neighbor.

How any of them sleep at night is beyond my understanding.

I tremble in anguish, the deepest of all types of sorrow.

But deep down I also know that everything is going to be okay.

It just has to be …. it just has to be ….

 

 

 

 

How I Survive It …. Part I

boxing

” How do you survive something like that? ”

That is the first question people ask me when I tell them of the tragedy that has befallen us.

I am humble and honest with my response ….

I write, I paint, I read, I travel, I teach, I dance, I love, I take pictures, I design, I shoot, I cook, I blast music, I pray, I star-gaze …. And I beat on a heavy bag with immeasurable rage, sometimes until I can’t lift my arms.

I’m getting nods of approval and looks of admiration and compassion, that is, up until the very last thing I said. The moment those words leave my lips, people look up at me puzzled; astonished. Then, with understanding.

” It hurts worse than anything you could ever imagine, it makes you want to die, makes you determined to live, and since I can’t get tattoos every day to relieve the pain, I have to unleash all the madness, the pressure, the weight of being trapped under extreme duress, somehow. 

I slugggg on the heavy bag with all my sadness, all my emptiness, all my fears, all my hate, all my heart, all my love …. I just punch and punch and punch. It is a manic-type of therapy.

On this particular occasion, my cousin and I were in the garage, and we just started hitting the bag together.

He hit it twice to me, I hit it twice to him, and back and forth we went.

My fists were wrapped, and it was only about fifteen minutes that we were slamming the bag around, but I did end up with two new scars on my right hand as a result of it. This photo was taken immediately after I unwrapped my hand, and it got worse as the days went on. My knuckles bruised and it took weeks to heal.

Funny how it didn’t hurt at all, it actually felt exhilarating to get some of ” it ” out.

This is a rare insider’s point-of-view into how heartbreak manifests.

It breaks open, bleeds, and leaves a scar so that even when you want to forget it, you can’t ….

 

 

 

* Photo Credit : Antonio V. *   ~   * Slugggfest Credit : Bryan S. *

 

 

 

 

The Little Dreams of One’s Heart ….

I just want to hold her.

All day today I have had to stop myself from crying.

Only now can I cry …. alone …. in the dark.

I quickly escape to break down, release, and regroup.

I choose to do all my hurting all by myself.

I don’t want anyone to see how bad I really feel, weeping from sorrow and despair.

I feel like I’m suffocating from a broken heart.

I wipe my eyes literally until they’re sore. I cry until my eyes are swollen. I clean myself up, breathe in and out, smile, and rejoin the rotation of the world.

You would never know by looking at me that I’m dying inside. Other than this, I am whole, beyond blessed, wonderfully loved, and completely adored.

But with this, God is our only hope.

No one can comfort us, no one can make it better, no one can fill the emptiness, nothing can take the ache away, nothing can take the anger, nothing can fix this ….. Nothing but God, nothing but our baby girl. But it’s all just for now.

One day this will all be over.

One day it won’t hurt any more.

I want this to be done.

I want to wake up in the morning and have it all be a bad nightmare.

It hurts, so badly that there isn’t a word to describe it.

Take it away, make it stop, the quiet is so loud, the loud is deafening.

And those are the only words I can get out today ….