I just want to hold her.
All day today I have had to stop myself from crying.
Only now can I cry …. alone …. in the dark.
I quickly escape to break down, release, and regroup.
I choose to do all my hurting all by myself.
I don’t want anyone to see how bad I really feel, weeping from sorrow and despair.
I feel like I’m suffocating from a broken heart.
I wipe my eyes literally until they’re sore. I cry until my eyes are swollen. I clean myself up, breathe in and out, smile, and rejoin the rotation of the world.
You would never know by looking at me that I’m dying inside. Other than this, I am whole, beyond blessed, wonderfully loved, and completely adored.
But with this, God is our only hope.
No one can comfort us, no one can make it better, no one can fill the emptiness, nothing can take the ache away, nothing can take the anger, nothing can fix this ….. Nothing but God, nothing but our baby girl. But it’s all just for now.
One day this will all be over.
One day it won’t hurt any more.
I want this to be done.
I want to wake up in the morning and have it all be a bad nightmare.
It hurts, so badly that there isn’t a word to describe it.
Take it away, make it stop, the quiet is so loud, the loud is deafening.
And those are the only words I can get out today ….