Because, It Just Hurts So Bad.

The ups, downs, and all arounds of these emotions has been a beast. 

Surviving it has been exhausting, confusing, infuriating; although I don’t in which order.

It’s hard to feel good, or even accept the goodness that is coming my way.

I smile, then I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel bad, for feeling good, and that in itself is a whole other big thing. Something else I don’t understand, and wouldn’t want to if I did.

I laugh, then my memory gets triggered, and I cry until my eyes get swollen. I didn’t know you could cry so much that your eyes literally get so puffy and red that all you want to do is put a cold washcloth over them as you collapse into your protector’s arms.

I’m a writer, and I haven’t been able to write.

I’m a lover, and I haven’t been able to love.

I (  and all of us ) have been utterly consumed and paralyzed by this grief, this sadness, this need for answers, this hope for justice.

I haven’t written much at all lately ( a first for me ) because I can’t.

I can barely put two thoughts together, never mind trying to covey the deepest sorrow of my being from feeling to paper.

 

One thought on “Because, It Just Hurts So Bad.

  1. I can relate to your quandary. Blank page syndrome can happen to a writer at any point in time, regardless of previous career successes. Many famous people have reported difficulty incubating a thought leading to write’s block as a documented problem, as well as their struggles to overcome this affliction, including F. Scott Fitzgerald and cartoonist Charles Schulz. Neurologists claim that literary creativity is a function of specific areas of the brain. When we are under stress the brain shifts control from the cerebral cortex to the limbic system which hinders the creative process leading to a disruption and blocking of brain activity in those areas. Often unaware of the change, the drive to write diminishes. Some of the easiest things to do, in addition to addressing the causes of stress, are to change your schedule and the time of day you choose to write, setting deadlines, quiet meditation, and lowing expectations.

    Liked by 1 person

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