Archive | March 2019

Time. Stands. Still.

March 24, 2019.

12:45 pm

After all this time, it’s amazing to me that time still feels stuck in the place that it was all those years ago. 

Time has stood completely still. Nothing has moved. Nothing has changed. Nothing feels better. It’s like waking up every day, helpless, can’t wish it away, can’t wrap your mind around it, can’t make sense of it. 

Full of rage, no way to get it out. Begging for justice, that seemingly will never come. Wanting answers, getting none. Wanting someone to pay, the debt doing nothing but accumulating. It leaves me speechless, squinting my eyebrows, wondering still, is this even real? 

It’s like being trapped, struggling for air.

I think about my niece every single day; going over, and over, and over, and over the details, the facts, the questions. I get lost in time, I get lost in the space of wherever I am. It’s so hard to explain, and even harder to survive. Some days it’s minute by minute.

As much as I have to say, it’s like I can’t find any words. I just want to shut down, shut everything out, crawl under the covers in a dark room, and just sleep. 

I want this to be over.

I want to go back to being the person I was before this.

I went from dreamer, to realist, never looking at the world the same, never looking at people the same, losing faith, losing life. I feel depleted, defeated, and damaged. 

While these people who have my niece live this made up life, while Letty is posting pictures of her with her grandkids, it’s amazing to me that filth like that is still walking around normally like nothing ever happened. It makes me sick to my stomach. I still have nightmares, I still find myself wishing Letty for dead, picturing her smug smile, haughty attitude, and her cold, dead eyes. Just thinking about her gives me insurmountable anxiety. I haven’t spoken to a neighbor since 2004, and likely never will again. I make no new friends, under any circumstances, I keep the ones I have had since childhood, never letting any outsiders inside the trusted circle. 

I hate that this took everything. I hate what this cost. I hate how it changed me. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate that I can’t do anything about it.