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Even When I Close My Eyes

It always hurts.

That monster of emotion always ready to devour …. can’t ever get away from it.

It finds you in the abyss, even when you’re lost yourself.

It sucks the life out of you ever-so-slowly.

It takes the energy from you, draining your life’s blood.

It is madness; manifested from mind to real life.

An ocean of distance isn’t enough.

Even when I close my eyes and try to escape it, the darkness of it all clouds my memory. In my mind it almost looks like Polaroid’s being taken too quickly and being thrown to the floor. They come too fast to catch and handle. They land on top of each other, distorted.

Everything is upside down.

This rocked our entire universe and drives me within an inch of the edge more often than I could ever admit. I can’t count how many times I have said, “I just can’t do this anymore.”

Nobody really understands.

Nobody really knows what this feels like.

Nobody knows what it feels like to be betrayed by neighbors/friends, and stabbed in the back by childless strangers.

Nobody but us.

Now the question is, when will my niece know?…..

 

 

 

 

Because, It Just Hurts So Bad.

The ups, downs, and all arounds of these emotions has been a beast. 

Surviving it has been exhausting, confusing, infuriating; although I don’t in which order.

It’s hard to feel good, or even accept the goodness that is coming my way.

I smile, then I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel bad, for feeling good, and that in itself is a whole other big thing. Something else I don’t understand, and wouldn’t want to if I did.

I laugh, then my memory gets triggered, and I cry until my eyes get swollen. I didn’t know you could cry so much that your eyes literally get so puffy and red that all you want to do is put a cold washcloth over them as you collapse into your protector’s arms.

I’m a writer, and I haven’t been able to write.

I’m a lover, and I haven’t been able to love.

I (  and all of us ) have been utterly consumed and paralyzed by this grief, this sadness, this need for answers, this hope for justice.

I haven’t written much at all lately ( a first for me ) because I can’t.

I can barely put two thoughts together, never mind trying to covey the deepest sorrow of my being from feeling to paper.

 

1.4.3 ….

I recently wrote about some “codes” that I wanted to share with you babygirl.. and when I caught the time today, I remembered the most beautiful of the codes of unspoken words. 

How could I forget the most important of this very special language?…

1.4.3

I Love You. 

Whether it’s said, or written, or gestured by hand from across the room…. I have always loved 1.4.3. 

Love is so important, sacred,  and special to me. I’m a lover… to love and be in-love and to be loved and be in-love with back, feels absolutely, fabulously,  deliciously, incredibly….wonderful…. 

I love you, I am here for you,  we are all waiting for you to come home. We miss you beyond explanation….. 

In our family, everyone has a nickname and since you were born we have called you ‘lovie’… I don’t know if I ever told you that…. (smile)

You mean the world to us and I hope someday soon, we will be together again…. our hearts are yours, our arms are waiting…. someday soon, someday soon….

1.4.3 ….


Love eternally….

~ ☆ Auntie