Because, It Just Hurts So Bad.

The ups, downs, and all arounds of these emotions has been a beast. 

Surviving it has been exhausting, confusing, infuriating; although I don’t in which order.

It’s hard to feel good, or even accept the goodness that is coming my way.

I smile, then I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel bad, for feeling good, and that in itself is a whole other big thing. Something else I don’t understand, and wouldn’t want to if I did.

I laugh, then my memory gets triggered, and I cry until my eyes get swollen. I didn’t know you could cry so much that your eyes literally get so puffy and red that all you want to do is put a cold washcloth over them as you collapse into your protector’s arms.

I’m a writer, and I haven’t been able to write.

I’m a lover, and I haven’t been able to love.

I (  and all of us ) have been utterly consumed and paralyzed by this grief, this sadness, this need for answers, this hope for justice.

I haven’t written much at all lately ( a first for me ) because I can’t.

I can barely put two thoughts together, never mind trying to covey the deepest sorrow of my being from feeling to paper.


1.4.3 ….

I recently wrote about some “codes” that I wanted to share with you babygirl.. and when I caught the time today, I remembered the most beautiful of the codes of unspoken words. 

How could I forget the most important of this very special language?…


I Love You. 

Whether it’s said, or written, or gestured by hand from across the room…. I have always loved 1.4.3. 

Love is so important, sacred,  and special to me. I’m a lover… to love and be in-love and to be loved and be in-love with back, feels absolutely, fabulously,  deliciously, incredibly….wonderful…. 

I love you, I am here for you,  we are all waiting for you to come home. We miss you beyond explanation….. 

In our family, everyone has a nickname and since you were born we have called you ‘lovie’… I don’t know if I ever told you that…. (smile)

You mean the world to us and I hope someday soon, we will be together again…. our hearts are yours, our arms are waiting…. someday soon, someday soon….

1.4.3 ….

Love eternally….

~ ☆ Auntie 

Code of the Unspoken Words

I have always spoken in code. 

So I thought since I have love on my mind, like always,  I’d share a bit of my love codes because everyone that I love knows them and my niece needs to more than anyone. 

Sometimes I have to share personal things to remind myself, my niece, and everyone else involved, that we are more than case numbers… we are Lovers by Design…. Broken hearts trying to mend, as if it is even possible.

So I don’t know where I got it or how it started but it sticks with me on a daily. 

Not just Love Codes, but codes in general.

Like right now, it’s 10:43, the perfect time to explain 10:43 because it isn’t a time, it is a state of acknowledgement and appreciation. It means l-o-v-e. It means everything about love. I want to love on you, I want you to love on me back. Our love is eternal,  crazy good, you’re my babylove, I’m your good girl. We fall in love over and over again. It’s just a little bonus, catching that time , night or day, it makes your mind drift to the one who holds the key to your heart.

8.2.3 means thinking of you…not just thinking of you, deeply thinking of you…. longing for you…. lost in thought about you…. I’m doing whatever I’m doing with you on my mind. The quick, beautiful, and lovely way to say so quickly that someone means so much and everything they do means so much. You may be without each other for the moment but you’re in it for your entire eternity. The ones you love determine the world around you, sad but true. So when it comes to the one I adore and cherish, I’ll only be carried out in his arms. He tucks me in and wraps me up tight, stays close to me all through the night. He is my dream-come-true and the answer to every prayer.


Code Double O,  means get here now by any means, don’t ask questions and wait for detailed instructions upon arrival. You’re the person in my life who protects me, and gets me through tragedy and triumph. Every person in my life holds a different position. Life is a chess game, you have specific players for specific situations. Depending on what I need and what is going on, determines who gets this particular code. This code is earned after many years.


Can’t share too much, but what I did share, came from my heart ….

Some Things Are Worth Waiting For ( And They’re Usually The Best Things)

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Today, I came across this card dated November 19, 2005, 5:34 pm.

I didn’t read what I wrote inside because honestly it is just too painful.

Just holding it made my hands shake.

I truly believe that some things are worth waiting for and what I love the most about this beautifully simple card is the way the little fairy is sitting.

I find myself sitting in the same pose on the beach, up on the hill, at the park, at our million secret Bay Area spots, in the Bahamas, in Acapulco, in Puerto Rico, all around the world. In the turmoil of the chaos, I have the same look of peaceful patience …. watching the clouds, the birds, the sky, the waterfalls, and especially the butterflies ….

Love is the strongest force and it can survive the impossible.

I will wait in love, in joy, in faith, in peace, in patience …. and I’ll wait as long as it takes …. Because dreams really do come true, and the light will always shine in the dark to light the way ….


I love you my sweet Babygirl….





First & Last ….

She’s the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of before I go to sleep and so often I dream of her…. 

True love stays with you and it’s worth the fight, it’s worth the commitment and it’s worth everything you have to give….. even when you’re drained you find the energy somewhere….

You get up each morning with the same hope that this could be the day that your whole heart comes back together and all your dreams come true…. and your family will finally be complete….

You go down to sleep every night with the faith that maybe that perfect day just may, be tomorrow….

Round and round you go but you stick it out and you never get off the ride….

Every single thing is worth it for love that is undeniably true… 

Finding Myself In The Darkness ….

I daydream….

I laugh…

I love….

I play….

I discover….

I embrace….

I escape….

I write….

I kiss….

I reminisce….

I wish….

I create….

I teach….

I design….

I photograph….

I drive….

I dance…

I cook….

I shoot….

I paint….

I read….

I wonder….

I feel….

I plan….

I seek….

I find….

I learn….

I listen….

I adore….

I believe….

I cherish….

I pray….


The beauty is no one can take any of that away from me and it makes me feel like a fluttering butterfly …. refusing to stay imprisoned by extreme grief. And the best is only yet to come …. ❤





How I Survive It …. Part II

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There is nothing quite like the rush I get from shooting guns.

I absolutely love them.

On this particular day, my cousin and I went out to play with ” the bangers.”

I wanted to shoot this gun so badly that I was literally standing on my tippy-toes to do it.

Thank goodness for small pleasures ….