Archives

Is It Really Another Birthday That Has Gone By?….

Today is my niece’s birthday, for the next 11 minutes.

I felt numb all day. 

I couldn’t speak.

I couldn’t cry.

I couldn’t do anything.

I went and parked up in the hills, one of the places I go to just think, and be still.

I couldn’t think much. My mind felt almost blank, unable to even register thought.

I have so much I want to say but I can’t get the words out. So much I want to do, but my hands are tied behind my back. I couldn’t take her anywhere. I couldn’t hug and smooch all over her, I couldn’t give her the cool “auntie gift.” My life feels surreal; like a dream I can’t wake up from. I keep thinking we’re almost there, it’s almost over. 

One day she will know….everything. 

The clock keeps ticking by, I have no idea where all these years without her even went. I have blocked out huge portions of my memory, unable to survive with even my own thoughts. I am so incredibly thankful I have everything written down, I couldn’t imagine if it wasn’t . Literally as I typed that sentence, I got a quick shiver of chills. 

We’re almost done, we’re almost there. 

Love withstands time.

Love endures though distance…. struggle.

I have to keep believing, because what is love without hope? 

We’re so close, that tonight, I will talk and pray it out to God, and then, after I give it to Him, I’m going to sleep. And rest my mind. And my spirit.

We’re all about to be able to finally breathe, and heal.

For now, I place my love for her in God’s hands, that He will reunite us soon, and life will be sweet once again. 

Happy Birthday, my love, auntie loves you….

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Standby For Update ….

Some things have happened in the last few months and I still can’t get my mind around them. I’m thinking about how I want to write this; trying to find the right words.

I haven’t been able to write for so long, but I .am. working on it.

Standby for update …. 

One Day It Will Be Tomorrow….

My mind has been so busy with thoughts swirling around like a tornado.

This thing has grabbed hold and won’t let go, no matter how much I kick and scream.

This is the hardest it’s been since it all started.

Not like it has ever been easy, but there have definitely been more anxiety-filled days than breathable ones.

We never know day by day what will happen…. if the phone will ring, if papers will arrive, if a sound or a smell will trigger tears.

This time, I have been all choked up, and at a loss for words for 8 weeks, today marks that particular Sunday.

Something happened that night and I literally still feel like I’m going to just pass out. I’m sitting at the pub table that’s in the family room, feeling like I need to hold onto this chair and close my eyes and breathe. So I’m doing all that I can do…. writing and praying…. candles, music.

I was with my son, having just enjoyed a road trip to drop him off at his first deployment station, and just had our first dinner together since he graduated from Navy boot camp. I picked up my phone, opened the text message, and saw my beautiful niece. I felt the air leave my body, I felt flushed, I swallowed hard, and put my hand over my lips, as if any words were even able to come out. My eyes filled with tears.

There she was.

My niece.

My love.

My longing.

So grown up, 14 years old. I was speechless.

There is such a close resemblance between my niece and my sister, I just stared, squinting my eyebrows and shaking my head. In that moment, I experienced so many emotions, I thought so many things, I can’t even describe it.

Where the time went, I don’t know.

How much time do we have left to go, I don’t know.

Which way is up, which way is down, I don’t know.

I hope, that it will all be over soon.

I’m so ready to put this behind us, reunite, and never look back.

I’m ready to heal, I’m ready to be happy.

I have trusted in God every moment of every day, and I can’t imagine a just God allowing this to have an ending that isn’t right.

The pressure, the pain, the wonder, the confusion, the rage, the frustration…. I want it gone.

Our yesterdays were taken with blunt force, I want the tomorrows filled with love.

 

 

Reminiscing.

I miss the me I used to be, carefree, and happy,  and weightlessly free.

Before light turned to darkness,  and I lost my way, demanding justice,  and hoping they pay. 

They don’t care what they took, the filth which they are, but God is still watching,  it’s not over by far.

May they relish the victory, they think it’s so sweet, their lies will crash down , and their judgment they’ll meet….

 

…. Because I Love You ….

 

 

I daydream about our life together, because I love you.

I stay stuck on hope, because I love you.

I cling to dreams, because I love you.

I pray for you with trembling hands and tears falling down my face, because I love you.

I keep you with me always, because I love you.

You’ve changed me through-and-through, all because I love you ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight, Love Wins. 

Tonight,  for the first time in about ten or eleven years, my mother finds all of her children under one roof. 

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for not forgetting about us ….