Like Walking Through A Field Of Dandelions ….

Trying to find the words when I am at a loss for them …. These are all I can find ….

Happy Twelfth Birthday, sweet baby girl.

I remember when you were two, walking hand in hand with me.

We are still auntie and niece, and nothing and no one can ever take that from us.

We, your family, love you ever-so-dearly.

I hope with all my heart, and all of my belief and faith in God, that one day we will again walk side by side together, the feeling of a dream, like walking through a field of dandelions ….

Prayers Before Bed …..

Oct19

Please, God …. just make it stop.

Because, It Just Hurts So Bad.

Sep22

The ups, downs, and all arounds of these emotions has been a beast.

Surviving it has been exhausting, confusing, infuriating; although I don’t in which order.

It’s hard to feel good, or even accept the goodness that is coming my way.

I smile, then I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel bad, for feeling good, and that in itself is a whole other big thing. Something else I don’t understand, and wouldn’t want to if I did.

I laugh, then my memory gets triggered, and I cry until my eyes get swollen. I didn’t know you could cry so much that your eyes literally get so puffy and red that all you want to do is put a cold washcloth over them as you collapse into your protector’s arms.

I’m a writer, and I haven’t been able to write.

I’m a lover, and I haven’t been able to love.

I ( and all of us ) have been utterly consumed and paralyzed by this grief, this sadness, this need for answers, this hope for justice.

I haven’t written much at all lately ( a first for me ) because I can’t.

I can barely put two thoughts together, never mind trying to covey the deepest sorrow of my being from feeling to paper.

Code of the Unspoken Words

Aug4

I have always spoken in code.

So I thought since I have love on my mind, like always, I’d share a bit of my love codes because everyone that I love knows them and my niece needs to more than anyone.

Sometimes I have to share personal things to remind myself, my niece, and everyone else involved, that we are more than case numbers… we are Lovers by Design…. Broken hearts trying to mend, as if it is even possible.

So I don’t know where I got it or how it started but it sticks with me on a daily.

Not just Love Codes, but codes in general.

Like right now, it’s 10:43, the perfect time to explain 10:43 because it isn’t a time, it is a state of acknowledgement and appreciation. It means l-o-v-e. It means everything about love. I want to love on you, I want you to love on me back. Our love is eternal, crazy good, you’re my babylove, I’m your good girl. We fall in love over and over again. It’s just a little bonus, catching that time , night or day, it makes your mind drift to the one who holds the key to your heart.

8.2.3 means thinking of you…not just thinking of you, deeply thinking of you…. longing for you…. lost in thought about you…. I’m doing whatever I’m doing with you on my mind. The quick, beautiful, and lovely way to say so quickly that someone means so much and everything they do means so much. You may be without each other for the moment but you’re in it for your entire eternity. The ones you love determine the world around you, sad but true. So when it comes to the one I adore and cherish, I’ll only be carried out in his arms. He tucks me in and wraps me up tight, stays close to me all through the night. He is my dream-come-true and the answer to every prayer.

Code Double O, means get here now by any means, don’t ask questions and wait for detailed instructions upon arrival. You’re the person in my life who protects me, and gets me through tragedy and triumph. Every person in my life holds a different position. Life is a chess game, you have specific players for specific situations. Depending on what I need and what is going on, determines who gets this particular code. This code is earned after many years.

Can’t share too much, but what I did share, came from my heart ….

Short & Sweet

Aug3

The only words I can get out as tears roll down my face are simply …..

I love you.

I need you.

I can’t see me …. without you.

Some Things Are Worth Waiting For ( And They’re Usually The Best Things)

Jul31

worththewait (2)

Today, I came across this card dated November 19, 2005, 5:34 pm.

I didn’t read what I wrote inside because honestly it is just too painful.

Just holding it made my hands shake.

I truly believe that some things are worth waiting for and what I love the most about this beautifully simple card is the way the little fairy is sitting.

I find myself sitting in the same pose on the beach, up on the hill, at the park, at our million secret Bay Area spots, in the Bahamas, in Acapulco, in Puerto Rico, all around the world. In the turmoil of the chaos, I have the same look of peaceful patience …. watching the clouds, the birds, the sky, the waterfalls, and especially the butterflies ….

Love is the strongest force and it can survive the impossible.

I will wait in love, in joy, in faith, in peace, in patience …. and I’ll wait as long as it takes …. Because dreams really do come true, and the light will always shine in the dark to light the way ….

I love you my sweet Babygirl….

Finding Myself In The Darkness ….

Jul26

I daydream….

I laugh…

I love….

I play….

I discover….

I embrace….

I escape….

I write….

I kiss….

I reminisce….

I wish….

I create….

I teach….

I design….

I photograph….

I drive….

I dance…

I cook….

I shoot….

I paint….

I read….

I wonder….

I feel….

I plan….

I seek….

I find….

I learn….

I listen….

I adore….

I believe….

I cherish….

I pray….

The beauty is no one can take any of that away from me and it makes me feel like a fluttering butterfly …. refusing to stay imprisoned by extreme grief. And the best is only yet to come …. ❤

How I Survive It …. Part II

Jun23

lisey2 (2)

There is nothing quite like the rush I get from shooting guns.

I absolutely love them.

On this particular day, my cousin and I went out to play with ” the bangers.”

I wanted to shoot this gun so badly that I was literally standing on my tippy-toes to do it.

Thank goodness for small pleasures ….

Besitos ….

Jun21

kiss Kisses from auntie ….

Did You Know That Dreams Come True?….

Jun14

If you pray long enough ….

If you love deep enough ….

If you want it bad enough ….

If you stand firm enough ….

If you wish hard enough ….

If you push through the fear enough ….

Dreams really can and do come true.

" THE CASE OF: BABY GIRL S. "

This is the true story of the adoption of my niece, our neighbor's involvement, a couple desperate for a child, and our fight for justice.

This book is being written for my niece, so that she will know the truth of her adoption; and for our family, who have had to endure this all-consuming,
life-changing ordeal.

My writing is non-fiction, from the heart and told in all honesty without exaggerations. It is the running-record of the book I was compelled to write. It is ten years in the making and very near self-publication.

My sister never had a voice .... Now she does. With love, passion, and prayers I am honored to fulfill her wish that her story be told, by me, because her tears won't let the words out.

I thank you for taking the time to visit my " Blog to Book " and I would be grateful for you to follow me on this journey to reunification and vindication ....

In Love & Faith ~

~ BabyLisa

Several people have asked me how am I able to get through this, how can I keep going.

I stop and think, because I have to. I need to. I can’t imagine not doing what I’m doing.

Do you ever stop looking for a missing child?

Does the need for justice ever dissipate?

Only when the pieces are put back together can anything again become whole.

Sometimes you have to push through pain by not just sitting still and taking it. You have to express it, you have to get it out.

I guess I just want our side of the story to be told and I know as God as my witness, that I am writing the truth. Nothing is fabricated or exaggerated, I’m telling the story accurately because my niece deserves the truth and I would never lie to her. I want her to know exactly how things happened through precise details that she is entitled to know.

Our hands have been tied in so many ways so I’m going to make sure that I do what I can, which is write and wait. No one can stop me from speaking my mind and sharing my feelings about this situation. What happened to us was personal so I choose to handle it in a personal way. I speak from the heart, I write from the heart. I wouldn’t take the time to make up details when I don’t need to.

The loving comfort and support I have been shown though this madness has been vital. The bottom line is, this beautiful little girl is my niece. I will fight for her, I will wait for her, I will pray for her, I will never give up on her. When we are finally able to have a relationship free of restrictions and ridiculous demands, it will all be worth it.

I imagine my niece one day going through tons of paperwork and documents, and finally figuring out that the people who have her put their needs before hers. They found a quick fix for their fertility issues. How do you take a child from a family that wants and loves them? Why couldn’t they find a child in the foster care system? What a dream that they would get a brand new baby in exchange for buying Lupita gifts, and treating her to jewelry, a trip to the baby shower, dinner, and who knows what else. They came like vultures, smiling while making promises and once the baby was in their possession, all deals were off. They turned into selfish, cold-hearted, out-for-themselves, manipulative monsters. They were and are so difficult to deal with. They make it hard because they want to and because they can. They have been ruthless and they have laughed every step of the way. I’m sorry for their infertility, but you just don’t take a child under such circumstances and try to justify it. Point blank, this was an adoption for profit and one day, that will be clear to my niece. You don’t take a child that has a home and family and try to make her your own little toy and puppet.

I’m digging my feet in to go right up the middle of this all-consuming crusade and my love and hope will be my driving force. No one can take hope from you if you don’t let them and I will stand firm until right is right.

From time to time, I feel that I'm sort of expected to address how I feel about adoptions. Almost eleven years of going through one firsthand, I feel I've earned my right to speak my piece on the matter. The time we've been embroiled in this whirlwind makes me physically ill when I think about not only what we've lost and missed out on, but how much time and energy and strength and love it has taken to have made it this far.

I just think adoptions should be morally and 'humanely' carried out. And if those that took part in this adoption thought they were doing the right thing, then why was it all done in secret, in the dark?

Why was it done in a rush?

Why was it handled by everyone but my sister?

Why was Lupita given ANYTHING?

Why didn't this adoptive 'mother' not put her master's degree in psychology to good use and realize that my sister was alone and afraid, and that she shouldn't be making those kinds of life-altering decisions without her family behind her for love and support? Was she so desperate for a child that she chose to look the other way when alarm bells should have been going off?

She took advantage of my sister at her most vulnerable time of her life, and you can't convince me she didn't know the destruction it would leave behind. In my opinion, she just wanted to get her hands on the one thing she could never have on her own, no matter what it took. I can't say the one thing she couldn't buy because let's not forget all the 'goodies' Lupita got.

My niece was not for sale, and to this day this awful couple have her believing that she is their daughter, not telling her that we fought to bring her home since the very hour we found out. They are still playing this charade, and it hurts me to think of how my niece will feel when this is all finally brought to light because every thing done in the dark, shall be brought to light at some point. They're only going to be able to play house for just a bit longer, because the moment she turns eighteen their paperwork and 'exhibits' aren't going to matter. My niece will have the legal right to know everything and to finally reunite with the family she was meant to be a part of. A family who still hangs her stocking up every year knowing she won't even see it for some time to come.

We have scrapbooks we have made for her, letters we have written to her, special gifts that one day we hope we will see her unwrap. We've set aside family heirlooms, we've made a sort of time-capsule. We're doing everything that they can't take from us. We're still doing all we can, and as the family 'spokesperson' I'm forced to be the squeaky wheel because until our accusations are addressed, I will not stop sending complaints, making calls, leaving messages, sending emails, doing whatever it takes because we deserve answers.

I keep saying that the more I find out about adoption, the less I want to know, (candidly) because there are so many horror stories. It's like you can't ever " unfeel " the emotions that such a sensitive subject brings out of you. There needs to be reform, there needs to be awareness.

For the record, I am very much in favor of adoption. When the circumstances are right, when all parties involved are in it together, when all other options have been exhausted, there are no living relatives or other necessary resources, when nothing is being hidden, when gifts aren't being given or received, pretty common sense, unwritten moral and ethical standards. Adoption should be the last option possible. The breaking up of a family is very serious, the effects are a life-sentence, and it literally changes one's very identity. It needs to be talked through, counseling should be required, the laws desperately need to be changed.

Like most things in life, there's a 'right' way and a 'wrong' way to do things. Human decency never goes out of style and if all isn't on the up and up, then I have to say, I cannot be in favor of adoptions such as those.

It's a fine line, and it's sharp.

The bottom line is; be careful, be honest, be genuine, be mindful of feelings and the short as well as long-term effects that inevitably follow. Don't ' hold a child hostage ' from their family. Realize that children are human beings, they have family traditions and bloodlines, they have a right to know who they truly are. Don't swoop in like a vulture or sneak in like a thief in the night .... there is just no way to justify that.

Think it through, and not ' just ' for you.

Dear God ….

Please take this hurt away.

Help me to get through this night without crying myself to sleep.

Please give my niece the desire to know us and the wisdom to believe us.

Take all this bad and make it beautiful.

Forgive us for the forgiveness we cannot yet manage.

Break away the barriers outsiders have put in our family way.

Carry us during this time we can barely stand on our own feet.

Prepare us for what the future holds.

Brighten the darkness in our thoughts.

Remind us that evil never prevails over good.

Give us the patience to wait.

Keep us together even though we’re apart.

Quiet the chaos.

Take the burdens and make them blessings.

Protect us from the lies told against us.

Comfort us during this painful tribulation.

Release us from the bondage of bitterness.

Guide us and keep us.

These things I pray with all my heart, in Jesus’ name …. Amen.

Ahhhh, the joys of having to make a battle plan after a secret adoption ruined your life.

Just typing that out is awkward and hard to swallow.

When you're party to a court case, there are a million things you have to do.

You have to make phone calls, you have to write letters and complaints to send by certified mail to attorneys, the judges involved, the adoption agencies, and make sure to file a couple of copies to keep. You have to keep track of everything meticulously because if you miss one detail, you miss the whole point.

I have dealt with so many people along this confusing journey, and I have to start at the beginning over and over again because with each person I speak with, I obviously have to tell them what happened from the beginning. There's no time for chit-chat, I just get right into the facts and fabrications.

Nine-out-of-ten people I have dealt with have been so sincere, helpful, and understanding. Then there's that one-out-of-ten person who is just being rude because they don't believe what I'm telling them. They give me the ' no one could do such a thing ' attitude.

But this is by far the most hurtful and annoying thing I ever hear. ' Well, you're just her sister, why isn't she calling? '

First of all, she's still way too fragile to handle this beast by herself. That's a big sister's job. People that have absolutely no relation to my sister were allowed to make appointments, phone calls and arrangements, they were all up in her personal business and were allowed to navigate and drive the speeding car that was her life, right off the cliff. She didn't handle any part of this adoption herself. Everything was done by Lupita, all communication was through her. All paperwork went through her, all gifts were given to her.

The adoptive couple made themselves look to be the sweet couple, they had every advantage and had no problem putting on a show until all paperwork was in place. I had never seen two more phony people in my life, besides Lupita, than this shiny little couple.

So all these people with the same agenda were allowed to make decisions and be in control, and though I'm ' just her sister ' I am the only one besides my sister and parents whose place it was to make decisions about our family and the newborn intended for us, but sold away by Lupita, and happily accepted by this childless couple.

Secondly, as her ' big sister ' it was, and is my job to be there for her, to protect her, look out for her, and give her love and support. Isn't it customary that the older sibling looks out for the younger ones? Don't you go up to bat when your sibling is in trouble?

So, yes, I'm ' just ' Samantha's sister; I'm ' just ' Nevaeh's auntie.

I'm ' just ' trying to cope with this sickening reality. How dare so many people overstep their bounds and intrude in our family and then look at us like we have no right? If it's not your family, stay out of it, you have no place barging in.

I'm ' just ' a big sister, protecting my baby sister. I write the words that are so hard for her to say. She can rely on my strength to have the voice she never had. That's what big sisters and big brothers are for, to take care of the little ones. When someone bullies them, they stand up for them. When they need advice, they guide them in the right direction.

Yes, I'm ' just her sister ' , and they're all ' just ' wrong, have no place, and need to ' just ' get a clue. It's ' just ' OUR family !

" I'm going to do what's in the best interest of the child."

I'll never forget those words Judge Campbell said.

And I'll never forget how fast another judge was requested by the adoptive couple's attorney the moment he finished that statement.

To me, that clearly means that the attorney and the 'adoptive father' knew full well that " in the best interest of the child " meant that the child would be returned to her rightful family. It was obvious that the best interest of the child meant that the child should stay with her family. It is absolutely in the best interest of a child to remain with the people they belong with, the family they are a part of. If a child is in foster care, if there is no option of a family member to take care of the child, then yes, adoption is an option.

Adoption, the severing of a family, the permanent alternator of a family's life and future, should be the very last option, acceptable only when there is no other alternative. A child should be kept within their family and all other options should be exhausted before that child is taken away, given a " new identity " and a " new history ." People aren't to be bought and sold, bargained, or guilted away by people who unfortunately can't have children of their own; people willing to do anything to get what they want. They had no problem putting their needs in front of my niece's needs. You don't take a child from a family to play house.

I've said it a million times " Adoption is for children without homes, not homes without children."

You don't step into someone else's family and secretly take one of them just because someone was afraid and didn't know how to tell those that loved them. My sister had a support system, the safety net of her family to fall upon. It would've taken us less than two minutes to not only embrace the news but to become completely overjoyed by it. We never got the chance.

Those words, " in the best interest of the child " have played over and over again in my mind. I know in my heart what those words meant and what they still mean.

I'll always trust and believe that WE, our family, is and always will be THE best for my niece. Blood is thicker than water no matter how you drain it. No family is perfect and every family has trials and triumphs, but keeping the family together to love and support each other is vital. You need your family to help get you through tough times, and you need your family to fully enjoy times of celebration.

The moral of the story: family was designed by God; not lawyers, baby-buyers or baby-sellers. Family is sacred, think twice before you barge in and destroy one.

I will allow myself to express my feelings.

I will let the words come from my heart.

I will allow myself to cry when it hurts.

I will forgive myself when I feel so weak and hopeless.

I will believe with my whole heart that one day this will all be over.

I won’t put on a smile when my spirit feels crushed.

I will stay strong when I want to break down.

I won’t feel ashamed because I am heartbroken.

I won’t apologize for loving my niece more than life itself.

I won’t ever give up the fight or trying to make it right.

I will trust in God that He will make our family once again whole.

I won’t be so hard on myself when I feel overwhelmed.

I won’t rest until every detail is told.

I will wait for my niece, no matter how long it takes.

I will allow myself to live while I wait, owing that to those around me.

I will pray night and day, silently and out loud, that our dream will come true.

I won’t take my hurt and frustration out on those that love me and are supporting me through this.

I will make a conscious effort to survive this.

I will always be her auntie, no matter who tries to take that away.

I hardly ever write during the day, but I found a few moments to sneak away and get some things off my mind.

> How did the Elliot County Courthouse ever get away with this?

> Why was this woman setting up an adoption of all things while on the clock at her ticket and scheduling window?

> Was it not Elliot County’s responsibility to protect my sister and her baby by not allowing one of their employees to do such a thing to them?

> Why have they not been held accountable for what they did to our family?

> Why have they pushed our very serious allegations aside as if this is something that should not have been fully investigated?

> Why is this woman still working there, typing our names in and able to keep tabs on all of us?

> What else has she done from that ticket window?

> Why did we find out that Judge Gavin resigned for years of misconduct years after we brought our case to his attention? Obviously he cared nothing about the morality and legality of our situation.

> Why does Elliot County just ‘ not get to answer ‘ our questions and prove to us that this adoption was legally done on their premises by a woman licensed to do so? Are they aware of the ‘ goodies ‘ this woman got from the adoptive couple as a result of this adoption?

> Whose desk are our police reports just sitting on? Are they not required to investigate and respond to our reports?

> Do they know Judge Campbell told me ‘ this entire building has been infested by what she’s done ‘ . He had to make it known that Lupita had involved him prior to the case coming to him so the opposing attorney had the right to have him recuse himself from the case, immediately after, he stated that he ‘ was going to do what was in the best interest of the child ‘ . No sooner than the words left his lips, the opposing attorney requested a new judge. I guess he knew that ‘ best interest of the child ‘ meant staying with her natural family, that all showed up and took up a row of seats.

> Why can no one do anything about it? Every office I’ve dealt with has told me that Elliot County would have to do an investigation because it’s their jurisdiction. Do they understand that Elliot County doesn’t want to explain how such an adoption took place, why adoption forms were being faxed to and from her office, why phone calls were made to and from her office, why the pregnant teen was her former neighbor and living at her house, why she was meeting with the adoptive couple, why she made all meetings and appointments in the 28 days this adoption took place in, why the couple flew her to the baby shower as the ‘ guest of honor ‘ , why the couple gave her an engraved Tiffany & Co. bracelet that read ‘ to auntie Lupita .’ Why my sister’s hospital bills remain unpaid, her wages garnished, her daughter gone, thanks to Lupita’s ‘ help .’

> Do they know the agency that handled the adoption lost their license to practice less than a year after we brought our allegations to them, for reasons they will not disclose?

> Is ‘ Adoption for Profit ‘ in the employee handbook?

> Why are our allegations not ‘ serious ‘ enough to be fully investigated?

> Why?

I miss my niece all year, but around her birthday the cut gets a little deeper. This year was no exception.

Our hands have been so tied for six years, there's nothing we can do.

Lawyers don't call us back because they don't want to hear that this awful thing still exists. I'm sure they want us to just go away. Who wants to answer our questions about HOW my niece was sold away, who wants to try to justify what they all know is wrong?

That is what lawyers get paid top dollar to do: make money, whether the case should be won or lost doesn't matter. I wonder how many families are ripped to shreds by judges and lawyers in family court. They make a call on where a child should be, and then their job is done. What do they care if the long-term is tragic? They break up siblings and extended families with the bang of a gavel.

Someone you see just once decides your whole life, knowing hardly anything about you personally. I'm really so tired of dealing with high and mighty lawyers and judges. I'm over them thinking they're better than us and they don't have time for our complaints. They act like how dare we ask questions, how dare we have these allegations. Meanwhile we're saying 'how dare a county clerk do such a thing, how dare this couple do such a thing?'

While we were going through court, we sat outside waiting because the couple wouldn't allow us, her family, in the courtroom. They wanted my sister alone and scared, right where they had her from day one, making sure she was by herself with no support. They had the choice to let us in, but once again, they did the wrong thing.

We sat there all day and observed people coming out; mothers crying, fathers crying, grandparents crying, everyone came out on edge, group after group. Just sitting there in that family courthouse made me sick, from the look to the feel, it was beyond disturbing.

Well, the lawyers got their checks to pay for their fancy cars and material possessions, the 'baby buyers' got their baby by despicable actions, Lupita is still smiling her phony smile at the courthouse, haughty as can be and always was, and our family is left like insignificant trash to dispose of. It really is hard to walk when there are knives stuck in your back.

I still wonder how any of the people involved in all this can even sleep at night. But then again, evil never sleeps, does it?

These past ten years have barely been survivable, it has taken every ounce of strength and faith to make it through each day.

I have felt so incredibly anxious and helpless. Thank God everything else in my life is perfectly in place because one more grain of sand on top of me and I would surely suffocate.

On my niece's birthday, this one being her tenth and a milestone, I couldn't just sit back and take it for one more second.

I did the unthinkable.

Being the monster I am, I sent flowers and balloons to my niece's door.

The card simply read ' To our baby girl: we have never forgotten you and you are always with us, one day you'll know .... Love, Your Awaiting Family.... '

Not 24 hours later, this heartless man who calls himself a "father" because he has my niece whom he paid for, had the audacity to call my sister and say my niece was scared that 'someone was going to come and take her away.'

First of all, I don't believe they even gave her the balloons or flowers because of what the card said.

Ten years later, they STILL have not told her she is adopted and that she has a family still fighting for her and loving her, wanting her in our lives to stay. So why would she think someone would come take her away if they haven't even told her?

Someone coming to take her away is THEIR greatest fear. They know that no matter what they do, she will NEVER belong to them and one day very soon, they won't be able to say one word about our relationship with her. The paperwork they keep flashing will be obsolete. They will not have a place at our table and they will be excluded absolutely from our lives. My niece doesn't come as a package deal. Everyone that had no place to butt into our family in the first place will finally be shut up and shut out.

I wonder how she is going to feel if they tell her now, that they've been lying to her, pretending she's theirs, for a decade.

I wonder how she'll feel if they wait until she's eighteen to tell her, that they've been lying to her for her entire life.

Either way, I imagine the very sticky situation they are going to have to try to slither their way through. How do you explain that you purposely would not allow her to be with her family, or even see them? How do you explain that they played with her like a doll, dressing her up and making her what they wanted her to be. They deliberately bury her heritage and refuse to even let us call her by terms of endearment, common in most families. They continuously keep the jabs coming. The little digs, as if we're not suffering enough. They want us to suffer to maximum capacity.

How do you explain why you put your happiness above hers by taking away and altering her very identity?

There's no way they told her about those balloons and flowers, because then they would have to explain that she has a family out there that is anxiously awaiting her return.

Once again, they get to lie and manipulate the situation.

But when she turns eighteen, what are they going to say then? Call the police, her family is here and there's no more strings and stipulations?

Call the judge to get an extension on making her an adult? It will be then that they are backed into a corner. What are they going to say when we're all there, and she wants to know us and know what happened?

I cannot wait for the day when that couple doesn't have the right to even be in the equation. I wonder how much love and respect my niece will have for them when she finds out what's what.

So we'll pray without worry, and the moment she turns eighteen, we'll be there. We're her family, not this 'poor couple' that unfortunately had everything but the ability to conceive.

Family is everything, and we are here for her with open, loving arms. We're waiting, we're hoping, we're praying that God will bring us back together. One day we'll be at the door, literally saying 'knock, knock, we're your family' ....

I know you hurt and feel a pain that no one could ever fully understand, not even your family that has gone through it with you.

I can't imagine what sadness and emptiness you feel. I think about how scared you were, how alone you were. I know how badly you wanted to tell us but couldn't and I hate that someone we all trusted did such an incredibly awful thing. How can you profit from someone else's pain and sleep at night?

You were taken advantage of at the most vulnerable time of your life by so many "grown ups" and at least one of them should have recognized the magnitude of what was happening. A desperate couple with a bag of money and jewelry, a court clerk setting up this rush job in a mere 28 days, the most important person, being you ( and your baby as you were still one ), left with no lawyer or advocate, no one from your family by your side to take care of you and help you.

You were told your voice would be heard, and it never was, so I am making sure it is and will be. As your big sister, I told you many years ago that I would take this on my shoulders, because you did not need to carry it on yours.

What happened to you was not your fault, but the fault of those that had everything to gain from YOUR child. No one cared about the girl with the pretty brown eyes that would be left behind. Well, I do.

I care about what this has done to you, and us. I write out our story one word at a time in hopes that someday, your daughter, my niece, will know the truth. She was literally taken from your arms, and what was taken from you as mother and daughter at that moment, was an incomprehensible injustice, and crime of the heart. A crime against a mother and child, who never had a fighting chance because of the vultures surrounding them.

It should have been our family in that delivery room, welcoming one more of our own. Had we known, that couple and their cohorts wouldn't have been allowed within a hundred miles you or our baby.

Your daughter was, and will remain YOUR daughter, paperwork isn't going to matter for very much longer. Soon, we will have a reunion that will make the heavens sing. Don't you ever hold your head down, you hold your head high and know that God will lead our baby home. No matter her age, she will always be our baby.

I understand that you are so incredibly damaged that you can't even speak of how you feel because only a few words get out before tears of agony and gasps for air.

I write our story because it needs to be told, it needs to be heard.

I dedicate every moment I spend, writing, researching, seeking out answers; to you, my baby sister and your precious daughter, my niece.

We got blind-sided by the evildoers once, guarantee it won't happen again.

I will continue to fight for the voice you and your baby, never had.

Love knows no time, space, or distance, and it can overcome all things, even something as messy and hurtful as this ....

Getting so much love, kindness, and support from strangers around the world makes my spirit soar. Knowing I am not alone really makes a difference and I'm thankful that awareness is being slowly raised about such a taboo subject. Below are the places that have been reached, so far ....

United States

Brazil

Canada

United Kingdom

New Zealand

Australia

Philippines

Greece

India

Italy

Spain

Colombia

France

Japan

Netherlands

Russian Federation

Kuwait

Argentina

Ireland

Republic of Korea

Peru

Chile

Portugal

Mexico

Morocco

Israel

Czech Republic

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Puerto Rico

Luxembourg

Algeria

Ukraine

Saudi Arabia

Nepal

Swaziland

South Africa

Viet Nam

Zimbabwe

Sri Lanka

Jamaica

Bangladesh

Paraguay

Syrian Arab Republic

Ecuador

Belgium

Pakistan

Singapore

Nigeria

Switzerland

Bolivia

Malta

Indonesia

Romania

Thailand

Oman

Sweden

Slovakia

Uruguay

United Arab Emirates

This morning, I was woken up by my broken heart. After another night of bad dreams, it took me a moment to sit up in bed and realize that I was safe and that it was ‘just’ a dream.

The nightmare was awful.

My love was driving, my eldest son in the front seat, my eldest daughter next to me in the backseat, I was sitting behind my son. We were driving across the San Mateo bridge, and although I’m from the Bay Area and frequently cross the bridges, I’m nervous and uncomfortable every time. One thing that makes the San Mateo bridge extra creepy is that for a good length of it, you’re so close to the surface of the water that it looks like you’re riding on top of it.

All of a sudden, the water started rising around the car, then we crashed head on into the rail and the car slammed into the water. It felt so real in the dream that I remember feeling the impact as we hit the water. All of our windows were open and each of them started swimming out of the windows. But I didn’t immediately escape.

Water was rushing through the back of the car and I frantically felt through the water with my right hand looking for a journal that I write to my niece. Even in a dream, I couldn’t leave without it. Once I felt it, I held onto it and then began to try to get out of the car which was rapidly filling with water….
One thing that really bothers me about this whole situation is that telling a story about something so personal such as this, requires very personal information to be put out there. In order to tell the story accurately, I have to include all the gut-wrenching hurtful details that this has all caused. Although I want to crawl in a hole and never make a sound, I have no choice but to lay it all out. Personal life isn’t so personal anymore. Things I never wanted to think about in the first place are now all on the table for the world to know and judge. It bothers me so much to put my/our pain and struggle all out in the open, but I know I have to if I want to really help the reader understand where I’m coming from and what I’m talking about.

I have had a few too many extremely traumatizing things happen to me in my life and talking about them is something I don’t do. I have my life written in 7 or so journals, simply so I can maintain a certain sense of security. It’s hard to keep track of entries and events when they’re so spread out and in no particular order.

I value my privacy, and I keep so much of my life to myself. You don’t really know about my life unless you were there to personally experience it with me. I’m a private person and I like to keep things tucked away in my heart. The intimacies of my being should be safely kept in that hidden place that no one is allowed to go, and now writing it out, seemingly in neon colors, is extremely difficult for me.

I don’t want to tell anyone how much pain I’m in. I don’t want to say why I’m broken-hearted. I don’t want to say out loud that because of this, I have to adjust my daily life and remember that everything else is beautiful and wonderful. I don’t want to share that I cry in the middle of the night when I’m writing. I don’t want anyone to see me because when it’s over I feel embarrassed that I can’t control it. Losing a child the way we have brings out emotions I never even knew existed. I don’t want to say that it hurts so bad, that sometimes I feel like I need to be held and comforted like a small child. I’ve had more than a few people I’ve met after this ordeal tell me ‘there’s something behind your eyes’ , and I feel like I have to explain because it’s apparent it’s something.

It’s no fun putting my heart on display, I’m still so vulnerable. For being so strong, I feel so fragile. As much as I want lock my feelings up in a storage trunk and hide it in the attic, it’s just the opposite. You have to talk out tragic things. You have to be able to express your emotion otherwise it will weigh you completely down.

I don’t like giving up my privacy but I will to tell our story, to possibly help someone who feels alone and afraid. I write it all out, holding nothing back, despite the fact I want to keep my personal feelings personal.

What should be kept to oneself is now being discussed around the dinner table and being gossiped about over the phone. But the message is important. It isn’t easy to share, but it is necessary. It’s vital that our experience is not hidden away like the ‘dirty little secret’ it was intended to be.

I have broken down every detail of this adoption case. The more I find out or put together, the more I realize that indeed this was a complete injustice committed against my young and so vulnerable sister and her baby daughter that never had a fighting chance to stay in her arms.

I have the right to exercise my First Amendment Right of Free Speech, and I have a right to make the details of this ugly and devastating adoption known to my niece, and to the rest of the world.

If this adoption was handled morally, legally, and correctly, I would not be up at 2am, restless. The way this all happened was so incredibly wrong, so very sneaky, and extremely devastating to have been betrayed by such a trusted family friend and neighbor.

She thinks what she did was right, then why was it all done in the dark? Why did she handle anything? Why did she receive anything? Why was SHE in the driver’s seat of this adoption?

So before I start spilling the story in painful detail, this is ALL IN MY OPINION. Although, I want to make absolutely clear that plenty of evidence accompanies our complaint. Once the puzzle is put together, I hope it will be clear that this adoption should never been finalized and that it should have been investigated to the fullest. My niece was NOT FOR SALE….

I don’t like to “write angry” which is why I have a writing ritual. I light candles, put music on and simply hope I can write without being fueled with a meanness that only this situation brings out of me. I am forced to take breaks because I don’t want the rage I feel to transfer onto the paper. I have to be rational when I feel anything but.

There’s really no nice way to put it: A secret adoption, a couple unable to conceive willing to do whatever it took to “get a baby.”

My niece; sold away by our neighbor, taken, bought, smiles to our faces, lies behind our backs ….WHAT ????

How is it possible that this happened ?

I am beside myself in disbelief and ever since this fiasco about the balloons and flowers I sent on her tenth birthday, I feel like once again we are being beaten down. Who knew that sending balloons and flowers would cause such an uproar? My sister was immediately called to be bullied and ‘ told off.’

It’s one more time we have to pick ourselves up and it’s another little jab on their part. I was never told I couldn’t send anything, I just never did. I save things for her instead to be certain that she will actually get the things I have put away for her. I knew what their reaction would be and it was spot on.

They are still playing house, happily lying to my niece about her identity, ethnicity, family, her adoption and the circumstances of events. I am really just so tired of being so helpless that I had to do something. I couldn’t just keep sitting here taking this injustice.

We are the victims in this mess, and they feel it is the other way around. Not so. The judge himself said he was going to “do what was in the best interest of the child.” They changed judges immediately because they knew they did not fix that description, why else would they change judges only after he made that particular statement?

Try to put yourself in our shoes.

Think about what you would do, how you would feel, how your world would be turned upside down in an instant. So blind-sided, confused, putting your hands over your eyes because it can’t be real. It just can’t.

Now for a moment, imagine us.

Think about how we feel.

Our baby girl, with strangers living a made-up life.

Our hands tied for another seven years; seven years that will seem to screech by.

Hurting, anxious, betrayed, pointing the finger at us, when the finger should be pointed at them. Can you blame me for being adamant about making sure my niece knows the truth?

Other than this, I live a very blessed life. I’m so close to God, in love with everyone in my life, well-traveled, well-read, it’s said that I take care of everyone and my dear friend recently told me that I’m a doter, which I never realized I was.

Before I write, I have to pray for a calmness. I have to sit amongst beautiful things, in a cozy place, so that my spirit is as relaxed as possible. I pray for God to give me the wisdom to write the right words so that I can not only tell our story, but hopefully reach the heart of the reader. I hope I reach my niece’s heart.

Now here is a huge dilemma.

How do you sugarcoat an ugly and awful truth?

It worries me sick when I think about how my niece is going to feel when she hears their version of events, and how she is going to feel when she learns the real truth.

The real truth being: this adoption was immoral, unethical, and quite possibly illegal. I wonder how my niece will feel knowing that.

Ever since the moment I found out that my niece has no idea she’s adopted, something has changed in me. I am so hurt and I’m so mad there isn’t a word that is big enough that I could use to describe it.

Ten years, and this little girl has no idea how these people got her in the first place. She has no clue that her life is one big, phony set-up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; money cannot buy children …. their hearts, I mean.

It hurts me immensely that the adoptive “parents” would take such advantage of a scared and vulnerable young girl, simply to fix their infertility. I think it bothers me even more because we, my niece’s natural family, are the kind of people who would do anything to help and lend a hand.

I live my life on a tightrope because of this adoption. I walk along smoothly for a bit, then I’m emotionally thrown down, have to get back up and keep going.

When you are dealing with what I call a “living nightmare,” nothing is normal and nothing is as easy as it used to be. Everything takes more effort. It takes a lot to even get out of bed.

Just because I’m not writing every single day doesn’t mean I’m not working on other things pertaining to our case, which is why I decided to keep a monthly calendar so that everything I do is documented even further. The calls I make, the letters I send, the questions I refuse to stop asking.

The people who have my niece may be able to lie and say we never thought about her and never cared about her; but this book, the journals, the scrapbooks, the legal struggle, the phone calls, the constant efforts made to try to bring her home to her rightful place, will be right there for her to see. My niece will see court documents, depositions, complaints letters; they may have their deceiving smiles but we have paperwork in black and white that says this was a red-flag adoption. My niece will see that she was robbed of her rightful family and rightful place in the world, all so this “poor infertile couple” could be “parents.”

My niece will see that her mom, her real mom, Samantha, was deceived, distraught, and duped. She and her family were treated like utter filth, enemies they had to throw every weapon at. There was no loophole they didn’t take advantage of, there’s no tricky tactics they didn’t use.

There was no limit on their manipulations, they had every advantage, their high-priced, heartless lawyer, cold as ice, just like this despicable couple treated us. None of them cared who they hurt along the way, as long as they got what they wanted. I can’t say a baby was the one thing their money couldn’t buy, because their money did buy a baby.

She was worth Tiffany & Co. jewelry, plane tickets, nice dinners, how incredibly pathetic. They treated Lupita like royalty because that is exactly who gave them my sister’s baby. Why else was Lupita given anything?

There is a saying, “follow the money,” well it leads straight to Lupita like tracks in the snow.

************************************************************

I’m really only writing this book for one person, my niece. It is dedicated with love and it is written in all honesty. After having had something so devastating happen to you and your family, especially when it is involving the loss of a child, it changes you whether you want it to, or not.

I’m also writing this book to ease my family’s sadness by not allowing the secret to remain as such. Finally our story will be told, our voices will be heard and no one can take that from us.

This book is also dedicated to anyone who has gone through what we have and never had a voice either. I wonder how many times this happens, how many families are broken apart, how many young moms were lied to and treated like royalty until their babies were removed from their arms. It makes me sigh.

If I am able to help just one person or family by telling our painful story, which I would much rather forget than tell, it would really touch my heart and I would simply say …. ” Thank God. “

I believe with my whole heart that one day my niece will come home and all this anguish and suffering will be gone. We’ll be able to move forward together in love and happiness ….

LOVEFORGRACE.ORG

Archives

Like Walking Through A Field Of Dandelions ….

Prayers Before Bed …..

Because, It Just Hurts So Bad.

Code of the Unspoken Words

Short & Sweet

Some Things Are Worth Waiting For ( And They’re Usually The Best Things)

Finding Myself In The Darkness ….

How I Survive It …. Part II

Besitos ….

Did You Know That Dreams Come True?….

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