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Standby For Update ….

Some things have happened in the last few months and I still can’t get my mind around them. I’m thinking about how I want to write this; trying to find the right words.

I haven’t been able to write for so long, but I .am. working on it.

Standby for update …. 

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One Day It Will Be Tomorrow….

My mind has been so busy with thoughts swirling around like a tornado.

This thing has grabbed hold and won’t let go, no matter how much I kick and scream.

This is the hardest it’s been since it all started.

Not like it has ever been easy, but there have definitely been more anxiety-filled days than breathable ones.

We never know day by day what will happen…. if the phone will ring, if papers will arrive, if a sound or a smell will trigger tears.

This time, I have been all choked up, and at a loss for words for 8 weeks, today marks that particular Sunday.

Something happened that night and I literally still feel like I’m going to just pass out. I’m sitting at the pub table that’s in the family room, feeling like I need to hold onto this chair and close my eyes and breathe. So I’m doing all that I can do…. writing and praying…. candles, music.

I was with my son, having just enjoyed a road trip to drop him off at his first deployment station, and just had our first dinner together since he graduated from Navy boot camp. I picked up my phone, opened the text message, and saw my beautiful niece. I felt the air leave my body, I felt flushed, I swallowed hard, and put my hand over my lips, as if any words were even able to come out. My eyes filled with tears.

There she was.

My niece.

My love.

My longing.

So grown up, 14 years old. I was speechless.

There is such a close resemblance between my niece and my sister, I just stared, squinting my eyebrows and shaking my head. In that moment, I experienced so many emotions, I thought so many things, I can’t even describe it.

Where the time went, I don’t know.

How much time do we have left to go, I don’t know.

Which way is up, which way is down, I don’t know.

I hope, that it will all be over soon.

I’m so ready to put this behind us, reunite, and never look back.

I’m ready to heal, I’m ready to be happy.

I have trusted in God every moment of every day, and I can’t imagine a just God allowing this to have an ending that isn’t right.

The pressure, the pain, the wonder, the confusion, the rage, the frustration…. I want it gone.

Our yesterdays were taken with blunt force, I want the tomorrows filled with love.

 

 

Reminiscing.

I miss the me I used to be, carefree, and happy,  and weightlessly free.

Before light turned to darkness,  and I lost my way, demanding justice,  and hoping they pay. 

They don’t care what they took, the filth which they are, but God is still watching,  it’s not over by far.

May they relish the victory, they think it’s so sweet, their lies will crash down , and their judgment they’ll meet….

 

…. Because I Love You ….

 

 

I daydream about our life together, because I love you.

I stay stuck on hope, because I love you.

I cling to dreams, because I love you.

I pray for you with trembling hands and tears falling down my face, because I love you.

I keep you with me always, because I love you.

You’ve changed me through-and-through, all because I love you ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hate and Heart Collide ….

You keep it together;  incessantly resisting giving a beat down.

You don’t give up; even when colors all fade to black.

You never stop dreaming; even when nightmares shake you awake.

You keep going; pushing through the tears.

You figure it out; contemplating  impossible answers.

You don’t buy or sell the lies; you protect the truth with your very life.

You go all in; mastering the fine art of balance between pleasure and pain.

You don’t back down, you truck whatever is in your way.

You don’t apologize for standing firm; right is right…. now, or a million years from now.

You don’t let fear replace your fun; that rush is rare…. get it good.

You don’t let the circumstance take you from yourself; you immerse your entire being into ride-or-die love.

Most importantly…. you don’t become a fallen angel; you hold on to your innocence.