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Hate and Heart Collide ….

You keep it together;  incessantly resisting giving a beat down.

You don’t give up; even when colors all fade to black.

You never stop dreaming; even when nightmares shake you awake.

You keep going; pushing through the tears.

You figure it out; contemplating  impossible answers.

You don’t buy or sell the lies; you protect the truth with your very life.

You go all in; mastering the fine art of balance between pleasure and pain.

You don’t back down, you truck whatever is in your way.

You don’t apologize for standing firm; right is right…. now, or a million years from now.

You don’t let fear replace your fun; that rush is rare…. get it good.

You don’t let the circumstance take you from yourself; you immerse your entire being into ride-or-die love.

Most importantly…. you don’t become a fallen angel; you hold on to your innocence.

 

 

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What I Meant

I can’t remember when I wrote just those three words, but the feeling is still lingering; subtly, but still there. 

Still.

Can’t.

Write.

It looks like …. still can’t write.

That isn’t what I meant.

I feel as though my memory kind of fades in and out. It’s amazing what I can remember, and it’s astounding when it comes to what I forget. It’s has most definitely been a means 0f survivial and once feeling like a curse, it is now the biggest blessing …. being able to forget. Not forget my niece, but forget the time we are without her and waiting. Forget the memories we have missed making, forget how I cried so much that I had to stop because my eyes hurt so bad I didn’t want to even open them.

Something magnificent has happened to me, and although I can’t explain it, I feel better than I have ever in my entire life. Puzzle pieces are coming together and staying on lock and the very thought of that is simply delicious.

All that being said, three small words, that actually spoke volumes, are better to be revisited and clarified as to prevent confusion between a statement of despair, and a statement of reclamation of self.

When your heart is aching, it is necessary to readjust, reevaluate, and you’re in constant reconnaissance mode.

You never clock out, and you never tap out. 

Because of all that, sometimes, you need to be still. And because of this agony, I have had to learn to be still, and force myself through sitting still and just ‘being’.

So, just because I’d like to be understood, here’s the breakdown ….

 

> Still.      As in stillness, ‘ being ‘ still. Deep silence or calm, not moving or making a sound.

> Can’t.      As in being pulled in a million directions, by a million people wanting a million different things. So many things to do, and although I do them, I feel as though I ‘ just can’t’. Or at the very least, have to talk myself through and pray myself through.

> Write.      As in I’ve been manically writing. Just not writing about this. I’ve been pouring dreams, explanations, and information into journals , in a random sort of order. My most beautiful of memories are suddenly coming to me in my dreams once again, and it has been like getting to experience those perfect moments all over again. Not surprisingly, the more I write to get it all out, the lighter I feel, and the better I’m sleeping.

I’m learning to be still. I’m learning to push though the ‘ cant’s ‘ and feelings of ‘ I don’t want to. ‘ I find myself smiling and laughing and playing. I get midnight milkshakes. I look for rainbows and rays of light through dark clouds. I’ve been writing about the best and most amazing things I’ve experienced, and who I experienced them with. Too many good times to count and my dreams are now something I look forward to, no longer afraid to fall asleep, nightmares no longer haunting me.

I’m putting pen to paper, not fingers to keys, and it’s a totally different sense of ownership of my own feelings. I’m learning that it’s okay for me to have some. Both good and  bad. I understand and reluctantly accept that light can’t exist without darkness; and that darkness can’t exist without light. I’m finding the beautiful, I’m finding the blessings ….

 

Even When I Close My Eyes

It always hurts.

That monster of emotion always ready to devour …. can’t ever get away from it.

It finds you in the abyss, even when you’re lost yourself.

It sucks the life out of you ever-so-slowly.

It takes the energy from you, draining your life’s blood.

It is madness; manifested from mind to real life.

An ocean of distance isn’t enough.

Even when I close my eyes and try to escape it, the darkness of it all clouds my memory. In my mind it almost looks like Polaroid’s being taken too quickly and being thrown to the floor. They come too fast to catch and handle. They land on top of each other, distorted.

Everything is upside down.

This rocked our entire universe and drives me within an inch of the edge more often than I could ever admit. I can’t count how many times I have said, “I just can’t do this anymore.”

Nobody really understands.

Nobody really knows what this feels like.

Nobody knows what it feels like to be betrayed by neighbors/friends, and stabbed in the back by childless strangers.

Nobody but us.

Now the question is, when will my niece know?…..

 

 

 

 

Code of the Unspoken Words

I have always spoken in code. 

So I thought since I have love on my mind, like always,  I’d share a bit of my love codes because everyone that I love knows them and my niece needs to more than anyone. 

Sometimes I have to share personal things to remind myself, my niece, and everyone else involved, that we are more than case numbers… we are Lovers by Design…. Broken hearts trying to mend, as if it is even possible.

So I don’t know where I got it or how it started but it sticks with me on a daily. 

Not just Love Codes, but codes in general.

Like right now, it’s 10:43, the perfect time to explain 10:43 because it isn’t a time, it is a state of acknowledgement and appreciation. It means l-o-v-e. It means everything about love. I want to love on you, I want you to love on me back. Our love is eternal,  crazy good, you’re my babylove, I’m your good girl. We fall in love over and over again. It’s just a little bonus, catching that time , night or day, it makes your mind drift to the one who holds the key to your heart.

8.2.3 means thinking of you…not just thinking of you, deeply thinking of you…. longing for you…. lost in thought about you…. I’m doing whatever I’m doing with you on my mind. The quick, beautiful, and lovely way to say so quickly that someone means so much and everything they do means so much. You may be without each other for the moment but you’re in it for your entire eternity. The ones you love determine the world around you, sad but true. So when it comes to the one I adore and cherish, I’ll only be carried out in his arms. He tucks me in and wraps me up tight, stays close to me all through the night. He is my dream-come-true and the answer to every prayer.

 

Code Double O,  means get here now by any means, don’t ask questions and wait for detailed instructions upon arrival. You’re the person in my life who protects me, and gets me through tragedy and triumph. Every person in my life holds a different position. Life is a chess game, you have specific players for specific situations. Depending on what I need and what is going on, determines who gets this particular code. This code is earned after many years.

 

Can’t share too much, but what I did share, came from my heart ….

Some Things Are Worth Waiting For ( And They’re Usually The Best Things)

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Today, I came across this card dated November 19, 2005, 5:34 pm.

I didn’t read what I wrote inside because honestly it is just too painful.

Just holding it made my hands shake.

I truly believe that some things are worth waiting for and what I love the most about this beautifully simple card is the way the little fairy is sitting.

I find myself sitting in the same pose on the beach, up on the hill, at the park, at our million secret Bay Area spots, in the Bahamas, in Acapulco, in Puerto Rico, all around the world. In the turmoil of the chaos, I have the same look of peaceful patience …. watching the clouds, the birds, the sky, the waterfalls, and especially the butterflies ….

Love is the strongest force and it can survive the impossible.

I will wait in love, in joy, in faith, in peace, in patience …. and I’ll wait as long as it takes …. Because dreams really do come true, and the light will always shine in the dark to light the way ….

 

I love you my sweet Babygirl….